The Article Hillel Yeshiva Didn’t Want You To See

In 2004, David and I wrote an article for our high school newspaper, The Hillel Digest, that got us banned from ever submitting an article again. It was to be printed in the Friday newspaper leading up to Hillel Yeshiva Seminar weekend. But our principal made sure that didn’t happen.

While we were writing for our new startup this week, we dug it up for laughs. It was never posted to the Digest, so we figured we’d post it here, 12 years later, for the fun of it. Enjoy, and let us know if you think it actually should have gotten us banned.

Pre-Seminar Gazz

by David Warshak and Victor Dweck

It’s that time of year of again. Colored lights, decorated trees, and presents. That’s right guys, Seminar 2004 is just around the corner, and everything seems to be falling into place. The pillow thieves have done their homework, the mosh-pitters have clearly shown their excitement, and the hallway runners have laced up their Nikes. Since the students are so deprived of sleep on the colloquium, kids have been stocking up on sleep as much as they possibly can. For instance, David “Shambo” Shammah was spotted taking a quick nap in the corner of the third floor bathroom. Despite the faculty stressing that we will be going to a gorgeous hotel in Connecticut, trust us — IT WILL SMELL. I’ve already checked the reviews online…it’s a half-star hotel. So c’mon students, we have to make sure we don’t get kicked out of this place too. The closest hotel after this one is in Arkansas… (Don’t worry, Rabbi Yaish booked it just in case). For those who got their hopes up, put them down. There will be no real food brands this year, either. 34,000 boxes of “Fruit Lupe’s” were found in Rabbi Yaish’s office. We also found loads and loads of cookies — but we think that was for personal use. We tried to get in touch with Cookie Monster, but he was unable to be reached for questioning.

We would like to take this time to thank all of the people who have been working diligently to make Seminar a success. So many people have so many jobs and their own ways of doing things. The hole administration gets anal on Seminar weekend. A few people, Patty “Kantelope” Krady and Jenny “Juice Box” Braha, have really stood the test of time. If a problem ever seems to arrive, they always come up with a solution. Yesterday, Jenny was going over the rooms list, checking it twice, and trying to find out who was naughty or nice. Unluckily, while she was using her trusty pen, it ran out of ink. Shaken, she announced, “Sadly, due to Seminar budget costs, this pen…is… the only one we can afford.”

Preparations aside, this year’s Seminar is set to be great. This year, we’ll have 55 SL’s (Silent Lamas) picking the kids up from school. Upon arrival, students will be assigned to their rooms. The situation is always very hectic, but don’t worry, the Lamas won’t say a word. Afterward, the time comes for the kids to head to their eloquent suites. A quick tip: make sure your quarters are very clean. Last year, on seminar, there was a situation involving a certain bathroom. When questioning whose responsibility it was to clean up the mess, David “Sophomore” Cohen embarrassingly admitted that it was his duty.

After nobody showers, students are treated to a romantic candlelit banquet. The usual main course — beansauce — will be served accordingly. Afterward, the school provides us with some skits, but most kids sneak out and engage in games of “Killer.” Last year, three people were found dead. After the games are over, everyone goes back to their cabins and hangs out. Last year, “some kids” got out of hand and started to misbehave. The whole time, we waited to see if Joey “stick” Mizrahi would come. After a couple of minutes, he came. In the corner of my eye, I could see Rabbi Knapel was upset. He came and cleaned up the “sticky” situation. Let’s all hope it doesn’t happen again.

Dark and early, Saturday begins. The first thing you’ll notice is the amount of banging going on so early in the morning. Whether it is on doors or students’ heads, it’s the only thing that wakes us up. That morning, Rabbi Pittinsky’s kid will be thrown around the premises, at times pelted forcefully at students.

When we’re not in prayer, we engage in many other activities, like praying. When that’s over, the students get to watch and take part in some more skits (via Victor Dweck and David Warshak), followed by Sioodot Shileeshee. During Sioodot Shileeshee, many students rush for a small morsel of food to hold them over until dinner, so they are supplied with many snack-like foodstuffs. During this time, we like to interrogate one male freshman on how they like Seminar gazz. Last year, however, it was difficult to get clear answers, for he had a mouth full of nuts. We then go back to our rooms to get ready for the night time activities. After nobody showers, everyone gets together in the big service room for the last supper. This is when the true fun commences. After a very depressing and deeply emotional period of time, the singing and dancing begins. Jay-Z could not make it this year, so we have our own G’igga Man — Rabbi Glicksman. The rest, you’ll have to experience, for there is no other night like the Saturday night of Hillel Yeshiva Seminar.

Here’s to what should be a great weekend!

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