11 Imaginary Dating Apps that would be less depressing than Tinder
Some alternatives would be nice, and Bumble is no longer cutting it…
1. Dogger. An app that matches you with someone who has a cute dog. No, your parents’ dog that’s still at your parents’ house two hours away does not count. Every first date is at a dog park, so, even if the human interaction part is awful, you still come out winning.
2. Plenty of Puppies. Fuck it, maybe just an app that matches me with cute dogs that the owner will let me take to the park for an afternoon. Talking to humans is overrated.
3. Singlest. An app that matches you with someone who is equally single and depressed, because all your real friends are married or engaged or engaged-to-be-engaged. You don’t date your match, you just sit on their couch with a bottle of wine yelling angrily at romcoms together.
4. Blocked. Men have to go through a filtering process that tests their ability to communicate without sending unsolicited dick picks, or opening with lines like ‘I’ll let you sit on my face’ or ‘would bang in the handicap stall at a fancy restaurant’. The amount of potential matches left would be depressing, but at least you can stop gagging every time you open an unread message.
5. Settle. For people willing to get into a relationship with just about anyone if it means they can stop their moms from trying to set them up with people inappropriately.
6. Hermit Hookup. HH staff have looked far and wide to find the perfect guy-off-the-grid for you! He hasn’t bathed in five years, but he does have his own cozy cabin in the woods, and he’s signed an agreement that he won’t allow any tragic woodchipper accidents to befall you if the date doesn’t go as planned. There’s no internet out here, but at least he doesn’t still live with his mom.
7. Wine Not? Are you looking for someone bold, earthy, and full-bodied, who grew up in a vineyard, and who smells of oak with hints of stone fruit? Will match you with your perfect bottle of wine, because it’s time to accept that no romantic partner can compare.
8. You Do You! Matches you with your perfect sex toy, because you’re going to die alone.
9. If We’re Not Married By. Finds someone who will agree to marry you immediately if you’re both still single by a certain age. Requires signing a legally binding promissory contract, so you know it’s guaranteed!
10. Cooljob. Only people with interesting jobs need apply, so at least you can say that you once went out with a world class chocolatier who taught you how to temper chocolate perfectly (and then ate it off your naked body). 87% chance your match will be an insufferable narcissist, but, is that really any different from your matches on other apps anyway?
11. Feminists with Hot Accents and Nice Hair Who Work Charming, Creative Jobs, and Have Exceptional Table Manners. Self-explanatory. Only available to the aforementioned feminists, and to fake redheads whose names begin with V who live within a 1 km radius of my house.