Byron Katie: Why I’m not Loving What Is
What is The Work of Byron Katie?
“I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being.
Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional.”
— Byron Katie
For those that don’t know of it, The Work (or The Work of Byron Katie) consists of four questions you can apply to an unwanted thought in order to eradicate it.
The book “Loving What Is” describes how it is the thoughts about situations that is causing you discomfort, not the situations themselves. Katie explains that your thoughts are the stories you tell yourself about the world around you and you can choose to change these stories if they are hurting you.
Seem rational so far?
So without further ado, the four questions to apply to a painful thought are:
- Is it true?
- Are you absolutely sure it is true?
- How do you react when you think this thought?
- Who would you be without this thought?
After this, you are invited to do “the turnaround” on the thought - to look inside and attribute self-responsibility for your thinking. This is based on the idea that the world you experience is a projection of your own thoughts.
The turnaround is often is the ‘opposite’ of the original thought and switches the responsibility back onto the thinker.
Another core component of this book is the understanding that you cause yourself pain by telling yourself stories which are not ‘what is’ because ‘what is’ — is and it’s painful and pointless to argue with that.
How does this work?
Let’s try an example. A thought could be “my partner should not abuse me.” Seems reasonable, right? Not quite.
Let’s see how The Work applies here:
- Is it true? Yes
Note: You can answer what you like here, but you will inevitably end up saying ‘No’ to the answer below as The Model works on the basis that you can never really know that anything is true - Are you absolutely sure it is true? No
Note: “Should” statements imply that we know and determine how people act. We do not - so the answer is indeed no. - How do you react when you think this thought? Sad, angry, distressed
- Who would you be without this thought? Happy, contented
Turnarounds:
- “I should not abuse myself”
Let’s break this down:
- The ‘abuse’ here is used as a metaphor for ‘hurt caused’ so, in essence, what The Model is saying is that the pain is coming from the story you’re telling yourself, not the abuse.
- Because you cause yourself pain by telling yourself stories which are not ‘what is,’ the turnaround “I should not abuse myself” means you should stop mentally abusing yourself by telling yourself the untrue story that “my partner should not abuse me.” So, according to Katie, it is more painful to think “my partner should not abuse me” than the actual situation.
To summarise, The Work tells you that it is you who is causing the pain through thinking untrue thoughts and you can stop the pain by changing your thoughts.
So, what is good about The Work?
- Challenge your thinking
The Work of Byron Katie encourages you to challenge your thoughts and pull some responsibility for your emotions back inwards. I’m a firm believer that we are responsibly for our thoughts and that our thoughts create our emotions. I think humans in general should accept more responsibility for their emotions.
2. Knowing your business
Katie makes some really true statements around what is and isn’t our ‘business’:
- Our business is ourselves — what we think, do and say. We have control over this.
- Our business is not other people and circumstances — how other people act and the world around us. We do not have control over this.
It’s pointless us thinking thoughts like “my friends should have invited me to that party.” We have no business in other people’s actions because we don’t determine how other people act — only how we think, feel and act.
The only thing we have real control over is ourselves and we should take full responsibility for that — not waste time dwelling on factors we can’t change. I found Brooke Castillo’s Self Coaching 101 a bible for this stuff!
…and what is not-so-good about The Work?
- Victim blaming
At some points in this book, Katie talks to brave victims of abuse and turns around their negative thoughts. Here’s an excerpt from ‘Loving what is:’
Katie: What did you do to get his love? What was your part?
Victim: I just let it happen.
Katie: Yeah. Was there a part there where you pretended it was OK? For love? What was your part? You just let it happen and… if this your experience, what is your part? What is your part? It’s not about blame. Ok..
Victim: I loved him.
Katie: Yes, that’s how that is.
It was strongly suggested that the victim was ‘allowing’ abusers to carry out the abuse, making the victims admit their complicity in the abuse.
It could be dangerous to invalidate the victim’s experience in this way. In fact, this quote summarises my thoughts perfectly:
“The Work of Byron Katie is useful for some things but will mess up people’s minds by telling them their truth is false. Actually people who are traumatized need the opposite; they need to know their truth. It’s a kind of abuse to tell someone what is true for them is false.” — Heidi Hanson (New Synapse, 2014)
2. Removing blame from perpetrators
At one point in the book, the following worrying exchange takes place with an abuse victim:
Katie: Were you doing the best you could?
Victim: Yeah.
Katie: Yeah, yeah.. Maybe he was too. “He abused me” — turn it around. I…
Victim: I abused me.
…
Katie: Sweetheart, there’s another turnaround. “He abused me,” “I abused me.” There’s another turnaround. “I… abused…
Victim: I abused… I abused him [cries]… that’s a hard one
Katie: Tell me, sweetheart. He did this much, I did this much.
Turnarounds like “I abused [them]” are applied. Again, this suggests that the blame somewhat sits with the victim and the way they’re thinking and not with the perpetrator for carrying out those actions.
This is hard to swallow for most of us and leads onto my next point.
3. A route to inaction
Based on the above, it’s your thoughts (about the abuse) that are causing you the most harm — not the abuse itself.
If you also believe that ‘What is’ (the current circumstances) is perfect because it is painful and pointless to argue with reality, then there would be no reason to take action for change — because everything is as it should be.
Inaction means no change in circumstances and in situations where there is a victim in danger, this could have catastrophic and even fatal consequences.
4. Loving what is (even if it’s horrible)
“I am a lover of what is… because it hurts when I argue with reality” — Byron Katie
Katie accepts that that things are ‘perfect’ the way they are because it hurts to argue with them. To some extent, I think we can agree — wishing circumstances you cannot change were different is a pointless and painful mental exercise. However, things are not perfect and dissatisfaction can be an agent for change where its possible to make positive change.
“Arguing with reality means arguing with the story of a past. It’s already over and no thinking in the world can change it.”
If you believe wholeheartedly that ‘what is’ is perfect then it is easy to see how this could cause passivity in your life. Katie does argue that this does not mean passivity: “the point is — how can you be most effective in this moment given that what is, is? Accepting reality doesn’t mean that you’re going to be passive.”
It doesn’t quite make sense if you accept that what ‘what is’ is perfect, why would you want to change it? Something doesn’t add up.
Katie’s suggestion that arguing with reality means arguing with the past is not completely accurate either. As humans, we can often change the ‘now’ to our, or others people’s, benefit.
In this strange example with a man who was having a stroke, Katie does nothing where most of us would:
“I was once walking in the desert with a man who began to have a stroke. We sat down, and he said, ‘Oh my God, I’m dying. Do something!’ He was talking through one side of his mouth because the other side had become paralyzed. What I did was just sit there beside him, loving him, looking into his eyes, knowing that we were miles from a phone or car. He said, ‘You don’t even care, do you?’ I said, ‘No.’ — Byron Katie, A Thousand Names For Joy
Shocking to most.
The distinction comes with us drawing a line between things that are in your control and things that aren’t. It will hurt to dwell on things you can’t control but you certainly do have the ability to change and control some things — and the ‘what is’ isn’t always perfect. Your dissatisfaction and ability to change the changeable ‘what is’ can be an agent for positive change in your life.
I am not loving ‘What Is’
The basic concepts around challenging your thinking and not lamenting on circumstances you can’t change are very valuable.
Past that, there are some very worrying concepts of victim blaming, passivity and inaction which, should you become totally bought into The Work, could be damaging.
My advice, proceed with caution and take The Work with a pinch of salt . If you are interested in some of the key ideas captured in The Work but are put off by the negative side - you can find many of the valuable concepts in a plethora of other works of positive pyshcology. Most notably and practically, I recommend Brooke Castillo’s ‘The Model ’ which has a spookily similar name but is far more empowering to the person using it. You can see a basic intro to that in my words here.
So sorry, Katie, it’s a thumbs down from me 👎
