How you can stop hurting your own feelings
How we can observe our thoughts and take responsibility for our emotions
As children, many of us were taught that itās important that we donāt hurt other peopleās feelings. This also leads us to believe that the inverse is true ā that other people are responsible for causing our feelings too. At first glance, this seems reasonable - but letās take a deeper dive into this assumption.
Who causes your emotions?
It is easy and commonplace to say things like āthis person has really upset meā but letās just say the thing we all know, but donāt acknowledge:
Our thoughts are responsible for causing our emotions. We can control our thoughts. So, we can control our emotions ā cue mind blown š¤Æ
Does it mean that when you are still thinking about why your partner said something meanĀ hoursĀ later, that we are responsible for the negative feeling? Yep. Have you ever dwelled on a presentation that went badly? Also, yourĀ fault. Still sad wondering why you didnāt get invited to that event? You again, Iām afraid.
- Note: Be kind to yourself ā this doesnāt mean every situation is your āfault,ā merely that you have the capacity and responsibility to manage your own thoughts and emotions in response to situations to make them less painful for you.
Letās take a simple example to really bring this to life:
Scenario: Youāve been given a promotion
Thoughts: āI donāt know if Iām good enough for this promotion. What if I suck?ā
Feelings: Anxious, upset, scared
Now, letās switch out that thought and see what happens to the feelings:
Scenario: Youāve been given a promotion
Thoughts: āI must be good at this job! This will be a great opportunity for meā
Feelings: Happiness and excitement
As you can see, the thoughts that we think directly affect how we feel.
Like me, you have probably been letting your un-managed thoughts run a-mock inside your head for many years and, you guessed it ā this means itās allowed your emotions to wreak havoc too. Ever felt out-of-control? Itās no surprise when your thoughts have been running around like an unsupervised herd of sheep.
You may ask (as I did), ābut my brain is automatically generating these thoughts without my permissions. How on earth can I manage them all?ā Great question. Youād be right ā our brain is constantly looking for shortcuts, escape routes and to reinforce what we already think to be true.
Itās time to train your own thoughts!
So, how can we do this?
Many self-help books talk about becoming the āobserverā of your own thoughts ā recognising your own thinking. Itās a skill to be developed over time but, to start with, this can be a challenge as your untrained brain may fill your head with other un-related thoughts and suddenly youāre thinking about what you might have for dinner tonight and if the shop will be open late enoughā¦
So, for the easiest chance to observe your thoughts Iād recommend taking this outside your own head initially ā try writing them down on paper āļø
Hereās the format I use and find useful every day to challenge unnecessarily harmful thoughts. Iād encourage you to give this a go too:
- What am I thinking?
- How does that make me feel?
- How do I want to feel?
- What thought can I think that I believe that makes me feel how I want to feel?
To bring this to life, letās use our example. So, in the scenario of the job promotion with the negative thoughts above, we could see the following:
1. What am I thinking?
āI donāt know if Iām good enough for this promotion. What if I suck?ā
2. How does that make me feel?
āAnxious, upset, scaredā
3. How do I want to feel?
āExcited and confidentā
4. What thought can I think that I believe that makes me feel how I want to feel?
āI have been promoted to this position because I am capable and therefore I will do a great job. The best I can do is my best and that is what Iāll do.ā
- Note: Itās necessary to pick a thought that you wholly believe or you wonāt get the emotional benefits of the positive thought ā because your brain doesnāt believe it!
You ā the empowered Shepherd of your thoughts
From the example above, you can immediately see how a turnaround of a thought can provide you with a new, much more empowering emotion.
And doesnāt it feel fantastic that you are the one in charge? You can alter the way youāre feeling by changing your thoughts. Youāre the shepherd of those crazy sheep ā thoughts.
Not only is it great that you can choose to feel a more positive and empowering emotion, but because our feelings determine what actions we take, we are likely to take more positive action from positive emotions āvideo on this here š
āItās important that you donāt hurt other peopleās feelingsā ā is it?
In the spirit of managing our thoughts, letās finish off by managing this deeply entrenched one ā āItās important that you donāt hurt other peopleās feelings.ā
You only have control over yourself in this life ā Brooke Castillo summarises this amazingly in The Model where she explains āCircumstancesā are things in your life that you donāt have control over. Other people are circumstances as you cannot control them.
Therefore, you can only be responsible for your thoughts and feelings. On the same thread, other people are responsible for their thoughts and since thoughts cause feelings, other people are also responsible for their own feelings.
OK, so what can I take away from this?
Your thoughts cause your feelings. You have the power to challenge and change your thoughts.
When you experience a negative emotion, Iād encourage you to explore the thought behind it and turn it on itās head using these questions:
What am I thinking?
How does that make me feel?
How do I want to feel?
What thought can I think that I believe that makes me feel how I want to feel?
- Note: You can also switch questions 1 and 2 round if itās easier (e.g. 1. What am I feeling? 2. What thought am I thinking to feel this feeling?)
It may take you a bit of time to get used to asking yourself these questions as your brain would probably prefer you not to question it ā thatās perfectly normal! The key is to stick at it and keep questioning your thoughts day-to-day.
I hope this is a powerful and practical realisation for you and helps you take more responsibility for your thoughts and feelings, so that you can feel the way you want to feel, more often ā¤ļø
ā
- Note: Itās important to mention that managing your thoughts and emotions doesnāt mean that you should suppress negative emotion if you need or want to feel it. An example of this would be allowing yourself to feel sad if somebody close to you dies ā itās probable that you may want to feel sad in this situation so it is not a harmful emotion and therefore not worth challenging at this point.