Last Night

Victoria Zhu
Sep 8, 2018 · 3 min read

It was a brisk night – the first real fall evening of the year with patches of gold and orange peeking through the trees and no stars in the sky. The chill in the air penetrated sweaters and skirts leaving one yearning for merino and tweed.

My date had cancelled on me and I was feeling turgid about all the furniture I was having to buy.

My first inkling was to go see him, like seeking a hot dish of good ol’ lasagna on a rainy day.

I decided to look at wood to distract myself. I dragged my weary body to Home Depot – a bit excited at first, then exhausted at the thought of having to buy and cut all that wood… and ship it… and put it together, making something out of scratch.

By the time I made it out to see him I was dreading it. I did not want sex again. I was tired of keeping everything in when it always threatened to spill.

“I don’t want sex,” I texted him for the umpteenth time.

“Ok just come over.”

Every cell of me felt heavy as I made my way slowly toward him.

He was a little too happy to see me. We chatted a bit about nonsense shallow things. Work, insulation slivers, contracts… He was excited about his new clients. He seemed more youthful than ever with his velvety freshly-shaved face and gleaming eyes that looked blue against his cobalt shirt.

“Did you whiten your teeth?” I asked casually.

He laughed and grinned, pulling me close. “Does it look like I did?”

“Let’s go for food,” I suggested abruptly before the kissing became more frantic and our breathing too heavy.

“Great idea.”

We headed to our favourite spot, a ramen bar. It was packed and we had to wait outside a bit. We clung to each other like one of those couples everyone detestes and secretly wishes they were.

We were no longer that.

Yet while we waited for our food and ate, we never let go, almost as though we were afraid we would shatter if one of us did.

“I’m going to miss you,” he blurted out quietly, even though we were the only ones at the bar.

The ramen was sticky, garlicky and salty. Everything blended together, genmaicha, spinach, tears, chasu and caramelized cauliflower.

A memory flashed through me – tiny baby booties I had bought a while back. Handmade wool and sheepskin. They were beautiful and I never told him.

“Please don’t.” I replied, swallowing. “Can we just eat? Please.”

He nodded and quickly smiled one of his fake cover-up smiles.

“Sorry. I’m sorry.”

We made out again on the way to my car. He tried repeatedly to get me upstairs but I was adamant this time.

He kissed me hard a last time after I had gotten into my car. We were a little too close and my lip bruised slightly against my teeth. The pain stunned me a little.

I touched my lip and restrained myself from telling him.

“Ok I really have to go. Thank you for dinner.” I fumbled with my keychain to get the keys off. “Here. I won’t need this any more.”

“I guess I won’t see you again for a while…”

“No. I don’t think so. Bye hun.”

I drove off for what I knew would be the last time.

He would never know.