Wake me up when the darkness ends
One thing they don’t tell you about is just how lonely being single can be.
It’s the kind of thing that creeps up on you and hits you swiftly on the back of your head like a mortar brick. Suddenly you’re lying on the floor, wet from alcohol, wet from horniness, maybe you’ve wet yourself, and now wet from tears, wondering what’s up and what’s down, if color is really just an illusion, and who it was who birthed you into this wretched world.
The worst part is that you don’t recognize it as loneliness until it’s too late. “I’m not lonely,” you say. “I don’t get bored,” you claim. “I’m smart and active and like to keep busy.” No, you’re fucking engulfed in loneliness. And you recognize it much too late like getting diagnosed at stage 5 when the only option you have left is a lethal fucking injection or a pillow over your face. There’s always the option of releasing yourself into the wilderness, but PETA has already convinced us that that’s not humane, so not really.
When all your friends (especially coupled friends) have gone to sleep or are too tired to hang out, when you’ve drank the last bit of your shitty expired wine, when the festivities are over and the date has ended lamely and everything is dark… you’re faced with a bottomless pit of nothingness. Any direction you move into doesn’t feel right- you feel it in the bottom of the most visceral section of your gut. Yet you want to keep moving because if you don’t the darkness will swallow you and you’ll never see the light of Tinder again.
Sure there’s distractions- plenty of them, and fun ones at that. Drinking, eating, fucking, chatting, socializing, Tindering, music-ing, dancing, clubbing, more drinking, derping. But then the resistance of the universe kicks in- you start wilting from dehydration, you gain weight, your feet hate you, you lose whatever little IQ you had, you’re numb and dumb inside and out, you get tired of any sound, you get sick of any and every body. You thought you knew just how sad, insecure and pathetic people are but now you think you Really know. You’ve heard horror stories of bad sex and now you’ve lived them. Maybe you’ve even swallowed. Everything only fills a fraction of the abyss before getting swallowed themselves. Actually it doesn’t even fill it- it’s 2D phenomena in a 3D world. Sometimes it feels like 4D, but I don’t know what the other dimension is.
Is life one big distraction? When do you fulfill your abyss? By doing something “meaningful” (whatever the fuck that is), by gaining conventional success and becoming financially self-sufficient and then contributing to the rest of the lost souls? What is it all a distraction from? Does the darkness ever end? Wake me up when it does.