Smile
Um, excuse me sir…I don’t mean to come off as too strong or pushy, but…I just wanted to apologize — for not smiling. And therefore making the world a less aesthetically pleasing place to live in.
Um, it’s all my fault. I knew I should have been watching my turtle more carefully. If I did, then he wouldn’t have run away and I wouldn’t have been mourning all those evenings filled with candlelit dinners, heartfelt talks, and existential meditations on life that Oogway and I shared. Those things were really an integral part of my humble life. To wake up knowing that all of that is gone forever — it’s really hard for a weak, fragile, little girl to handle!
Um, but I was selfish. I still should have smiled at a stranger so he could feel better about himself. I should have smiled at the world so the world could smile back at me and validate my behavior.
I am now going to chuckle in a lighthearted manner and touch your elbow at an 83° angle for 2 seconds to ease the palpable tension and reassure you of your manliness.
Um, but really, in addition to apologizing, I should be thanking you. I am so grateful that incredibly kind men like you exist in the world — ones who actually take time out of their very busy and important lives to comment on my appearance! You don’t even know me and yet here you are, doing this out of the kindness of your heart. By golly, I am so flattered.
Um, Your validation of my potential for beauty — that I would be very beautiful if I just smiled…! — fills me with incomparable ecstasy and gives my life purpose. I thought I was worthless because my existence added no aesthetic value to this genuinely beautiful world. But you! You have uplifted me from the shadows.
Um…Oh my great savior! Your single comment defines my existence! It has been my lifelong dream for an average, 6.66/10 man to come along and praise me for the one thing that I actually have control over. Gosh, I thought my efforts would go unnoticed by all of humanity. Ever since I was a single cell in my mother’s ovary, I have been making sure I’ve been drinking all the gluten-free water, eating all the ORGANIC, NON GMO VERIFIED™ kale, doing all the yoga, and even performing blastocyst surgery — also known as B.S. — on myself to naturally enhance my facial appearance.
Um, so next time I see you around, I’ll give you a nice cheese because I hear that goes well with whining.
Yours truly,
V. Yan
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