Dating vs Relationships

So, I’m no expert, just built a fairly interesting collection of experiences, if you will. Mostly bad.. actually, scratch that. There are no bad experiences, every experience is good in that there is always that subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) life lesson to be learnt. Trouble is finding it.. but armed with the incredible power of hindsight, like most people, I’ve managed.

When I think about it, it’s fascinating. This thought that everyone is essentially, lost and wandering about. Every day, men and women alike all get attached and similarly detached from one another, couples getting together, divorcing, breaking up, starting relationships.. it’s kinda like the circle of life relationships. Really got to love it, even if awfully bittersweet. I had a thought, in the shower.. because that is really where all good thoughts and ideas are born.. that actually, a lot of this heartbreak and ache and pain, has to do with attachment. If we weren’t so easily attached, we wouldn’t need to feel so lost and achey when someone we grow fond of, ups and leaves. If we all chose to consciously live in the present moment and not expect that other person to always be around or always want to be around, we wouldn’t need to feel pain. After a relationship, hearts are broken, it aches, it hurts. There’s nothing quite like it, nothing takes that kind of pain away. Nothing but time. I’ve been there, and man do I really not want to go down that road again. It’s an empty ache, that simply doesn’t go away. Just eating away at you inside, until slowly but surely, it dies down.

I still remember how it feels, even if it has been over a good year now, but I still recall, waking up aching, sleeping aching, I never thought I’d get out of it. But I did. As we all do. Breaking up is hard, but what about dating? Everyone these days seems to do it.. heck it’s even supposedly supposed to help with the pain of breaking up; moving on. That is the problem. People using each other in hopes of feeling better. Whatever for? This just spreads pain. Everyone then begins to hurt. A woman who has just gotten stronger over a past failed relationship, is suddenly hurled into the abyss all over again, just because she met some guy who recently had his heart broken. I feel it’s all a bit sad. Dating to me, has now become a pointless endeavour. Something I no longer enjoy. I have gone out with enough guys to have a decent sample size of what’s out there.. and I’m confident enough to say I won’t be missing much now that I’ve decided to set my sights elsewhere. No my heart isn’t broken, it’s just disappointed. And that, is a very different kind of ache. It doesn’t quite fit into any particular category or ‘shelf’ society has so conveniently structured for us all. But it’s very real.

I won’t lie, I have been used, but only because I have been foolish enough to allow and permit it to happen. Over and over, I watched as I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for these bozos.. when actually, I was and still am, just too good for them. Sometimes, particularly when I’m feeling low, I like to think of myself as a fine wine, those that mature with age. They grow in depth and take on this deep flavour and aroma. A richness that only comes with time, and patience. Perhaps I’m still like white grape juice. And you know, it doesn’t even matter anymore. No I am not being cynical, nor do I wish all men would die, even if I clearly have that kind of power.. I just think, maybe I fell short constantly because I was supposed to. I trust that I am exactly where I am supposed to be : A 23 year old woman, on my couch on a Friday night, with a hot mango strawberry tea, typing away on my (what is now technically vintage), MacBook, (the white one) and listening to my Spotify playlist. Wow, talk about detailed.