“I just wanna throw my phone away.. “

and find out who is really there for me.

Katy Perry sure knew what she was talking about. Yes, I know, I often lament about how I have no friends, and how I struggle to find someone to talk to. But really, I think I use the word ‘friend’ a bit too loosely. Who really is a ‘friend’ to me? What is a friend even? Is he a friend or acquaintance? I think friend is such a temporary term, sometimes. Friends come and go. I also think I have fairly high standards for friends, I subject them to such ridiculous ones, but also because I subject myself to those standards too. But then again, perhaps I am too attached to people. Too easily. I am always finding myself hurt, disappointed and upset. They almost always involve people. On another note, I have been thinking a lot about Dustin, and Benedikt, and all the other fails. And I realised, I should’ve been more careful about what I wished for. I got exactly what I wanted.. a while back.

Fresh out of my break up, I recalled what a man said to me on a plane to San Francisco December of 2012. He said ‘wow you must date a lot!’ To which I of course sheepishly grinned and said no. I mean, I never dated before Flo. Then I almost immediately wished I were dating more. Could I even? Would I dare? To throw myself out there, in the myriad of personalities? It didnt matter, because I had him, and he was enough for me. Or so I naively led myself to believe.

When it all came crumbling down, I had to pick up the pieces, and well, move on. I suddenly went, hey, now I can date as much as I want, and hell I want to date a lot! This, I suppose the almighty universe must have heard, because it sure as hell happened! A series of unfortunate dates.. but they had to be unfortunate, for without the misfortune, the ‘a lot’ cannot happen! So I got to experience all kinds of personalities, all kinds of heart ache, rejection, turmoil, pain, disappointment.. wow this is such a hallmark card for dating. So, yes, my dating experience as of this point, has been nothing but disastrous. Damn near awful actually. There were high moments of course, but they didn’t last. None of them did. Eventually every one of them expired. I suppose they each had to teach me a lesson, and once I learnt it, they had to go. I somehow feel, as melodramatic as this sounds, that each of them took a certain part of me. This is because, I invest myself emotionally, too early, too much, and too foolishly. I am after all, a fool looking for connection and dare I say, love? Not even romantic necessarily.

Truth is, I don’t know what I’m looking for at all. I haven’t the slightest clue. So I find myself on Tinder, swiping, accepting the reality of how materialistic I have become. I feel like I lack substance now.. I am a plastic version of my former self. Honestly, what do I know? I am unmotivated, I spend my time worrying about how this boy didn’t call me, that boy didn’t text me, he doesn’t like me anymore, that one thinks I’m pushy, he hates my personality.. you get the picture. Meanwhile, there are actual problems in the world that I turn a blind eye to. Why? Because I am exhausted, burning all my energy away on useless morons like them, and such a pointless cause. But I do it anyway. I use tinder to reject guys, to ignore them and blatantly practice my bitchiness. Why? Because I am hurt. And as they say it, ‘The hurt, hurt.’ And I am in a world of hurt. I’m trying to get out though. Because I have to. I can’t stay in there too long, it’ll consume me. I am an attractive, smart, witty, intelligent, fast learner, with a hell lot of passion and drive. I just need to find it, and harness it. Quickly. Before I slowly but surely degenerate into a non recognisable plastic ‘blonde’ version of myself. I say blonde in no way to offend of course, but it just sticks better. I guess I’m in serious need of making some changes. Is it this culture or rather, non culture that has sucked me in? What am I doing? Why am I spending my little free time swiping? When I could be reading, or god, honestly, anything else. Anything. I am not that girl, I will not be that woman, I refuse to be.