It will never be the same again. I will never be alone. She will just not let me be. Damn. I’ll never let her go. I am swollen by the increasingly loneliness in me. As I ride comfortably in a taxi in an unknown yet intriguing town on a moonlit road, I wonder if somebody can see what’s going on inside me. Perhaps, they can help me know what I’ve become.
It was online. A sex chat. It was supposed to be unreal — a separation from reality, an escape and an extension of fantasy. It was a lonely night. There’s nothing special about it except that there was no moon. In an online chatroom, a username got my attention: LoveMe28. There was this strange innocence associated with the username; a confession of weariness in search for love, and a display of wounds earned in many battles fought in love. Of course, the wars were lost.
I’d always preferred to start a conversation with a seemingly disgusting line: ‘Do you go dirty, online?’. The line attempts to separate the real and virtual worlds as well as to set the context of chat. Sex chats are simpler and quicker to start. These can get creative and have an exceedingly high strike rate of getting a response over a conventional start. How a conversation proceeds, however, depends on the other person. Sex chats can easily give way to a soulful conversation without the actual completion of the ‘sex act’. But, seldom after the ‘act’. LoveMe28 and I fit in this rare category. Also, this particular ‘act’ was anything but ordinary.
It felt real. It transgressed into my reality. I’ve not known the meaning of compatibility but it seemed like its celebration. Once the conversation went beyond the thin sheath of lust, heaven flooded my intellect with her words; caressed my emotions with her laughter; and challenged my loneliness with her stories. It was magical. It promised a dreamland — a career in romance. She was really from my dreams. Like all good stories, we talked for hours before the reality gave me a pink slip.
She told me she was married. I cried, strangely but rightly. We exchanged wishes, and she was gone.
The car has stopped now but I’m not done yet. I love to spend time with myself. Now, I am never alone. I don’t enjoy chats anymore. However, I do chat. My username is ‘LoveMe31’. After that night, hundreds of moons have greeted me. But, I am stuck in that night with no moon.