I found my strength to let go, today.

It is true that the strength to let go doesn’t come from the needs to forget, instead from the needs to love.

Life is like a funambulism, you walk on to the rope of life with nothing to hold on to. And I believe you can imagine (some of you might already know) how scarry it is to reach on nothing while you lost your balance and need a safety rope.

To me, my memories are my (imaginary) safety rope. I wish that things won’t change and when they are, I can always go back to my memories to remember how it was used to. I secretly hope that as long as I can remember them and keep them safely, things will neither be forgotten, nor be changed. While the truth is, nothing stay the same no matter I remember it or not.

Of course I know that the only permanent thing in this life is changes, but knowing and experiencing are two different process. While many changes in life are easy to go through, some events were just too deeply attached -emotionally, and real hard to let go. Death, the lost of deep love, dreams that failed, are some of the examples.

To me, it was my miscarriages. They changed everything on me. They deconstructed the way I see life, the way I see and value myself, the way I connect with people, the way I handle happiness and sadness and pain, and the way I live.

They evolved the relationship between my husband and I. Surely they gave good shakes to my marriage, more understanding about loneliness and emptiness, more power to solitude, and taught me how far love could really suffocate me.

Some people asked, “Why won’t you let go of the memories that hurt you?” And my answer would always be, “And what’s left for me to remember? What’s left for me to acknowledge that they are real? That they were once here, those two little precious souls of mine?”

Many times, we hold on to the sad memories, not because we don’t wanna let them go, but because those are the only things left for us to remember.

And today, I found my strength to let go of them. Of all the sad memories that I’ve kept for years. Of all the good memories that I’ve treasured yet have became irrelevant to my life now. To give spaces to my memory and fill it up with whatever I might treasure in the future.

I found my strength from my need to love myself better and to love the people that I care the most. I have reached a point where I need to know that all the struggles that I faced and bear will became my strength, and if they won’t, then I will make them to. I need to know that there are more to life than these. I guess I’ve beaten up myself pretty badly these few years to really be able to see that life wasn’t that bad. Lol.

And if you asked me, how do I get all the strength and come up to this decision today, my answer will be as cliché as it could be, “It is just the time.” As much as I hate how the time is a bitch on many events, it is the time as well that heals me I guess.

Even if we rewind and replay everything once again, I won’t be able to move on faster than this and I believe I won’t decide to let go any later than now. It is the different pathway and time to everyone, and I’m glad mine is today.

A life token that I don’t want to forget. This moment of letting go.

— Collette, 20 weeks.