Unease of Undoing
I don’t know what I’m feeling. It has been like this lately, that I was always awake, but doesn’t feel like living. I haven’t been really living for months now. Was it because I failed college and I had to be stuck in my bed for months or has it been because I am just dying. Not that I’m sick or something but dying dying.
Pain have caused me to be numb and so numbness have caused me to float amongst emotions, not settling in on any, not feeling anything at all. Is it because I’m dying? Is it because I am slowly accepting the fact that maybe, just maybe, I’ve already seen the rest of what I am just about to see, not all of course, the luxury of it I can’t afford, not it this lifetime atleast, if I even get to have another.
Its pass 1 and I don’t feel like sleeping. I’m getting tired of doing my daily cycle, as if I’m waiting for something, waiting for a time to come, almost like waiting to die if I am to be frankly honest. The thought of it makes me cringe, the thought of me dying makes my heart beat fast, the thought of not being able to continue a life while most of people would, the thought of the people that know me thinking I’m dead, the thoughts, the thoughts are always haunting, almost tricking you into feeling something that in the first place is inexistent, or falsy. The thoughts of dying I guess creates earworms in my head that’s why for the past days of existing, not living, I am choosing not to sleep, not to get left of what might happen while my eyes are closed.
But the thing is, they are only thoughts. Sometimes true, mostly, fooling. The thought scares me, but deep in my bones, the actual happenig of my undying feels more real than the reality I’m seeing now. I can almost feel it, I can almost feel myself losing to darkness and eating my way up to the other side. The thought is frightening, but the feeling, the feeling is surprisingly satisfying.