In My Name
Nov 1 · 3 min read

Wow !

To be fair the title did not promise anything but “don’ts”. And, to be sure, it does deliver on that promise. Beyond expectations. To the point that there comes a feeling of relief when, at last, you start, in passing, mentioning that imperfect husband of yours. I am sure he was pleased to be summed up in such a flattering way.

You are obviously a smart, committed, professionally successful woman, also used to sum up situations in a sharp and relevant way. And still, I wonder whether you realized that many, and possibly most men could recognize themselves in this powerful list of “don’ts”, up to a point, and depending on the circumstances and the eyes and expectations of the partner facing them. Imperfection is a fact of life, and more often than not, imperfections can also be endearing features.

Double-bind situations are a fact of life, where an assertive man will be labelled a bully, even if only as a matter of political correctness, while one who has given up being assertive, possibly for fear of being labeled a bully, will be a hybrid of a sloth, a leech, and a few other valuable types of partner, as you so convincingly describe them.

At the end of the day, life can be so much more simple :

  • Firstly, relevance only makes sense if put in the perspective of the purpose : is the relationship looked for meant to be a one-night stand, a short term and inconsequential endeavour, a lasting need for companionship, and whether family building and raising is at all a possibility
  • Friendship, respect and attraction, in varying degrees, are all essential ingredients of anything lasting, especially as the initial possibly passionate physical attraction will usually fade away as time passes
  • It all adds up to a few essential questions : “how do I feel in his company”, “can it, or should it last”, “is he likely to live up to implicit promises”

Cave women were quite straightforward. Physical strength, a healthy look, and known hunting skills were good proxies for much of what made a good partner. Individual inclinations and circumstances would account for much of the remainder.

Modern women have become more complex (fortunately !); societal expectations and the law also. The cave woman was expected to look up at her mate (a requirement which is still resolutely enforced in some XXIst century social groups), and whatever is still left of that cave woman still expects some kind of subjugation that will justify trusting her mate in any lasting way.

Conversely, most modern western societies expect women to stand for themselves, and to take an equal position in their couple, while dominant males are increasingly being frowned upon. For heterosexual couples (for others, the issue is irrelevant), this leads to only one stable configuration : yours, where a dominant female has to do with an imperfect male, after she has tamed her exaggerated expectations.

Its polar opposite, the male-dominated hierarchy, is becoming increasingly unstable, as the alpha male is being frowned upon, and is an easy target and then easy prey to gold diggers supported by judicial practice and the judicial system, almost regardless of his actual attitude, if his performance will fall short of his mate’s expectations, regardless of the merit of such expectations. “Desperate housewives”, anybody ?

Other, more balanced couples do require a permanent balancing act, in a less stable system, where temporary imbalances are far from being self-correcting.

Will you reward your readers with a description of the positive features an alpha female should expect from her mate, for the couple to get started and then get a chance to last ?

In My Name

Written by

A passionate engineer, an avid watcher of society, a proud multiple grandfather, and a newly born carb-hater. I forgot : an addicted reader and writer also.

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