To The Ones Who Believed In Me: Thank You, I Can Do It Now
I occasionally hear compliments and praises from people about me and my work and my life and sometimes they even go further to talk about my ‘brand’ — which I don’t even think exist — and most times I can’t help feel a weird mix of emotions. Usually happiness but also confusion because there’s no way this person they are talking about is me, there’s no way this well put together goals-achieving creative who is getting shit done is me. It always seems there’s a disconnect between this person they see through their eyes and the person I see when I look into the mirror, they see me as whole and I see me as broken. Many times, when these compliments come as a text message or a DM over Instagram and twitter I screenshot them and save it in a special album because i like to go over them and smile because even though I find it hard to believe that I am this amazing person they speak of, it’s nice to be thought of in that light especially when I don’t see it myself.
My family doesn’t see me as much, they don’t think I’m special, they barely think I am a child worth being proud of and that, for the longest time, is how I see myself. As someone less than, someone who can barely hold candle when compared to my cousins and the children of my mother’s friends. For the longest time, the only that kept me going was the validation that came from others. When people told me I was doing amazing, when people read my work and gave me great feedback, it was like crack — it gave me a quick rush and it was addicting. It also gave me the push I needed to work to get to the next level, people believing in your magic is a feeling that I can never explain or undermine. It is a beautiful feeling, it made me feel I was more than just a constant source of disappointment.
As amazing as it was/is to have people believe in your magic, I think maybe it’s time I do that as well. Maybe it’s time I start believing in my magic. I have grown since I wrote this, over the past few months I have built myself as a person and found my own strength. Enough strength to take over the job of believing in me. Like I said here, I know now that I deserve the best in life, the difference between then and now is that I now believe in my magic. I believe in my strength as a person. I think this belief comes with me looking back at my nineteen years and seeing all the things I have overcome and all the things I have achieved. I have almost singlehandedly dealt with sexual abuse, the trauma of parental abuse, dropping out of university, homophobia, being called so many horrible names by my family and parents, heartbreak and through all this I have built myself into this man that i am today and I realize that, I really am magic.
If I am magical enough to have come so far, I am magical enough to go all the way. I believe that now.
To everyone who has believed in me for so long and had seen the magic when I didn’t see it, thank you so much. I think I can join you in believing in me now.