How my mind works inside...
Is a horrendous cacophonic monstrous collaboration of oxymorons and anxiety.
It races about telling me that things should be squeaky clean and run like a well greased motor that’s been pampered like a child of riches and no wishes. Yet it tells me not to overwork myself and that there will be plenty of time in my perfectly imperfect life to care and tend to these necessities.
If I love you madly, I’ll torture my own mind if everything is fine, even when you’re happy. If I call you a friend or family, I already expect shit to be said behind my back. Mixing quotes with dead lie, like the skilled liar you probably are or aren’t. I tell myself I’m paranoid yet I stay calm because apathy and humor are what shield weakness best.
I know I’m funny looking. But some days sexy as fuck. Most days a blur in between. So I use humor and misdirection to ease into my comfortable spot in the awkwardness I thrive in.
I’m great with my English vocabulary and love to write both poetry and my thoughts. But I’m horrible with words and usually end up confusing either myself or others all the while offending those who concoct some sort of comprehension from my incessant babbling.
I love sleep and the idea if sleep, but my favorite moments are being awake because of my lack of dreams. Constantly reminding me I can’t be a nothing, yet that I have so much that I hold dear to me, that I’m so much more than a nothing.
My thoughts are important because my memory has gone to shit and hopefully someone out there will pluck some happiness from my scrawlings. But no one will read what I type because I am no one important, but important to many.
Mostly the reason for this post is so others with my same problems will not feel so alone and hopefully gain some hope from this message. There are more of us out there, and in our apathy covered reactions, it’s beautiful to know what you have to say can make a difference.
Remember dear reader(s), no matter what society tells us. To be human is a truly awe inspiring thing. Don’t let imperfections hold you back and don’t let your insecurities keep you from being the priceless shining soul you are.
(“You make what doesn’t matter fade to grey"-Mrs. Sass)