I was sixteen…

when I had met her. She tried getting me to shy away from her by singing bits and pieces from Papa Roaches song Last Resort. She had me there. From then on we were inseparable.

I had always been shunned because I didn’t grow up listening to that new age “Brittany Spears in a Cowboy Hat-esq" shitty excuse for country music. I preferred my Johnny Cash, Nine Inch Nails, Slipknot, Marilyn Manson, & Murderdolls and the like. Outcasted.

I was never popular or unpopular, basically I didn’t matter. I was just the kid with a top hat and tarot cards. My relationships never lasted more than a week, because most people had “Standards” or “Reputations” to uphold. Lonely.

When I finally gained enough courage to ask her out I was surprised to get acceptance. It lasted all throughout high school. The police got involved a time or two, nothing could separate us. Not even her Foster mother. Invincible.

I received my bass guitar earlier that year and played for her as much as possible. Favorite songs, challenging songs, anything. I even joined a Christian band for the sake of bettering myself for her. Growth and atoned affection.

After two long years and three jobs, two of them with her, she had conned me into marriage and we got engaged. I knew I wanted better for us and abided by my heritage anyway. August 1st of 2008 I graduated Basic ARMY Combat Training to come home to my dearly missed beloved. I made the point to even wear what I had when I had to leave her in bed to go to the MEPS Station to ship out, in Kansas City. Overjoyed

I came home to heaven. I pre purchased a carton of cigarettes and we made love for days. Eventually we went for a walk around town hand in hand and she explained to me how we needed to move ASAP. While I was in Fort Jackson, my lifelong friend of over a decade had molested her when she had passed out drunk. I could have killed him, but she had talked me down with such urgent panic that we moved the next day instead. Hatred.

We were married at the courthouse steps on a warm sunny afternoon on August 8th of 2008. My life was ahead of me. We came home the happy newly wed couple we were and celebrated in every way possible. I had never been happier or more complete than the moment I carried her through the front door. Bliss.

Flash to months later.

I had grown to despise her friends for all the pot they had in the house daily. My bank card had been stolen and account shut down due to illegal purchases on it. Someone had used it for their car, apparently. She was always getting stoned with her friends and slowly starting to distance herself from me. We couldn’t even steal enough necessities to keep in the home and bills were going unpaid. Some nights I stay up and cry contemplating my own death. I’m the only reason my love is alive and well, even though she may not be who I had known for years.

October, 2008

We are homeless now. But I’ve not been this close to her in what seems like several screaming junkie months. Its bittersweet. I sleep while she’s in school so I can keep watch and we don’t get into trouble for sleeping in the parks and such at night. She comes back to our meeting place and informs me she knows a friend that’ll take us in for a night and shower. We meet another person she knows there and have a place to call home again. Relief.

New years day

She found the only straight razor (knifes were even thrown out due to her Psyche) I had kept. I’m pulling her out of the bathtub bleeding and crying. Begging to die. I feel useless as I try to give her purpose or meaning once more. Even though I want to join her there so dearly. She sleeps so soundly that night. I don’t sleep for days. She’s scarred me deeper than her own wounds.

The next few days are honky doory. The twelfth she comes home and we bake and cook in the kitchen and celebrate my birthday, as if nothing ever happened. Its just like the old days. I can hope again. We make love like never before and we cuddle to sleep. “Goodnight my husband. I love you" These words haunt me for the next few years.

The next day, I’m playing my usual love songs as performed by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes when she arrives from school. She seems odd. Maybe contemplating her 18th next month. She wants to go visit her friend Jade from school. Her friend Darreal offers a ride. I try desperately to go with but she forces me to stay home. Rejection/self pity.

She arrives home several hours later and I try to love on her. She is irritated. I hide the disposable razors discreetly and console her at the same time. Its going to be another one of those nights. “I’m leaving you.” I go numb and die inside. I signed my life away to the ARMY for her, and turned away my friends and family! FOR HER! AND she goes and takes the last thing I have from me. “I’m staying at Derreals house for now and will send him for my things as I need them" the two timing bastard. Life note about friends made.

Nine hours go by after she leaves, with me sobbing and begging as to a reasonable explanation. Its time for her to go to school and I’m in the snow barefoot waiting for her to emerge. I can’t feel or think right. I just want to talk to her. She skips school to let me die in sobs in her lap like the baby I am. Pathetic.

Going through this much has taken a toll on me as is, so I’ll continue later. Hopefully this helps gain a better understanding of me, some.

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