Make Earth Great Again
President Trump is watching from the Oval Office as a tremendous spaceship begins descending over the White House. Generals and other military officials are running in and out of the office in confusion and chaos. Outside on the White House lawn a brilliant white light begins forming and materializing two strange alien creatures. The aliens, who look suspiciously like the robots from Mystery Science Theater 3000, begin looking around as military personnel surround them pointing weapons. The leader of the aliens cries out, “Whoa! What the fuck. Put those guns away. We’re here to speak to your leader.”
President Trump, surrounded by Secret Service, exits the White House and approaches the aliens. President Trump tips his MAGA hat, smiles, and waves saying, “Welcome to Earth.”
The aliens look at each other inquisitively and the leader asks, “Don’t you know who we are?”
Trump looks on with confusion and responds, “No.”
The leader of the aliens shakes his head looking down and says in frustration,
How can you not know who we are? My name is Goda and this is Jezaz. I’m your landlord and this is my assistant and repairman. It’s time to pay your rent.
“Rent? Rent for what?” asks Trump.
“For the goddamn planet? What did you think, you were going to live here for free?” responds Goda.
Trump gives the alien a cross look and says, “What the hell are you talking about? This is our planet.”
Goda looks at Jezaz and shakes his head saying,
I knew it was a bad idea to rent to these inferior beings. You people are renting from me. I hold the land lease on this planet, and it is time for you to pay the rent or vacate the planet.
Trump says smugly,
I hear what you’re saying, but you need to know that I know a little bit about real estate, and we been living here for some time not paying rent. We must have squatters’ rights by now. And, how do we know that you really own this planet?
Goda looking frustrated responds,
Goddamn inferiors and your short lifespans. Twenty-five thousand years ago, I signed a contract with Zug to lease humans the planet. That lease renews every 25,000 years. It’s now time to pay the rent or vacate. If you refuse to pay, then I will have to start the eviction process and in 60 days I’ll bring the Solar Sheriff and have all of you removed from the planet.
Trump frowns and says,
Okay, I see what you are saying but this contract was with Zug and it’s been some time. We don’t have a copy of the lease. I mean what are our rights in this situation?
Goda started yelling,
I don’t give a shit about all that. This is a legal lease that was signed for by one of you on behalf of all of you. I can’t help it that you people are careless and forget shit.
Jezaz opens a clipboard and pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Goda. Goda says, “Ah, you’re lucky, we have a copy. Here.”
Trump takes the paper and looks at it for a moment then begins Tweeting on his smartphone:
Trump finishes and looks at Goda and says, “Alright, so is there any wiggle room on this deal? Can we get a rent reduction?”
From the crowd on the White House lawn, Bernie Sanders screams, “Trump, you don’t even know what you are negotiating? What the hell is the matter with you?”
Trump rolls his eyes and Tweets:
Goda looks at Trump and says,
Look, I understand you people are inferior and stupid, but Zug and I agreed to 50,000,000 CarboLeds and that is what I am legally entitled to receive. Now, if you can’t pay it, you’re going to have to vacate and you’re going to lose your deposit.
Bernie Sanders screams from the crowd,
Trump, you don’t even know what a CarboLed is? Please stop this madness before you get us all evicted from the planet.
Trump rolls his eyes and says to Goda, “Look, we might just need an extra day or two, maybe a week and then we will pay you.”
Goda looks at Bernie and then at Trump and asks, “Do you know what a CarboLed is?”
Trump smiles nodding, “Of course I know what a CarboLed is.”
Goda shakes his head, holds up a metal disk, and says in frustration, “A CarboLed is the galactic currency and it is made of lead and carbon from burned organic matter.”
Trump nods his head in agreement and lifts his smartphone Tweeting,
Trump snaps his fingers and one of his aids runs next to him. Trump whispers to his aid to get started processing carbon and lead. Trump says to Goda,
Okay, so look, we’ve been pretty good tenants. We don’t complain or have you out here fixing small things. How much would it cost to buy the whole planet and the moon?
Goda tells Jezaz to get started inspecting the earth for damages and then says to Trump,
I can’t sell you the moon, I don’t own that. Are you going to pay the rent? If not, I have a waiting list of other species who want to rent this rock.
Sure sure…they are getting your payment together now. So, you have people interested in renting the planet. Can we sublet? I mean we got a lot of room here so we could definitely rent some space.
Look Trump, I don’t give a shit what you do as long as you make the rent and don’t destroy the joint. Jezaz just texted me saying you people have been polluting the water and killing the wildlife. Those animals and resources came with the agreement you would not destroy them. Where the fuck are my Dodo birds, Trump?
Trump says, “Hang on, hang on.” He Tweets,
Jezaz returns after inspecting the planet and hands Goda a sheet of paper with a list of damages. Goda screams,
For Pete’s sake, Trump! What the hell are you people doing? My planet is missing a bunch of animals and the Goddam arctic and ozone are damaged. This is coming out of your deposit, and I’m billing you for excessive damages.
At that moment, a line of tractor trailers filled with CarboLeds began arriving. Trump said, “Here you go, Goda. Your rent has arrived.”
It’s about damn time. Look Trump, once I am done loading this rent we’re leaving, but we’ll be back in 25,000 years and this place better be cleaned up or you’re all out of here.
Trump says, “Sure, sure…so about this subletting. Can you send me a list of possible tenants?”
Goda answers, “Jesus Christ, Trump. Don’t you people have access to the intergalacticnet?”
Trump shrugs in confusion.
“Fine, fine, I’ll send you a list. Anything if it helps you take care of the planet and gets the rent paid,” says Goda as he walks away.
Trump smiles and heads back to the White House Tweeting;