How porn destroys men!
Most men think it is normal, because almost every man watches. It is not a surprise that most men are unaware how it impacts their brain, psychology and physiology. They are either largely ignorant of the negative consequences of porn induced masturbation, addicted and going down the rabbit hole. Is a “porndemic” imminent?
Numbers at a glance:
- One in four searches in google is porn related.
- 92% of men, 61% of women watch pornography (USA).
- About 12% of all sites are porn-related.
- PornHub is in the top 10 most visited sites (acc to semrush it is 4th), about 12B plus visits a month, 150B visits a year.
- Average age in the USA for boys is 11.
Here’s some infographic from IFS from 2022, here’s the PornHub annual report from 2022.
What’s up with India?
Coming to India’s porn stats, the ban didn’t help (bans usually don’t), we rank third and that’s not surprising considering the population size. Traffic has surged and so has the percentage of Indian women watching pornography (~30% or 1 in 3, catching up with world’s metric).
I am going to focus more on men’s troubles with porn, as studies on them are documented better and there isn’t a lot of literature (yet) on impact of porn on women, though it’s gaining momentum.
Enter NoFap — what is it?
NoFap™ is a community-based peer support website to help people overcome porn addiction and other forms of compulsive sexual behavior. We’re open to anyone seeking sexual self-improvement, better sex, healthier relationships, and more fulfilling lives.
I first heard it about it through my tenant last year around the same time, and was amused that this word even existed. Apparently, the slang has been around for over 2 decades now and became more prominent with the advent of the NoFap movement. My tenant introduced me to reddit noFap group and holy cow — it was a rude reality check of men’s struggles with pornography and masturbation, and how serious the issue is. The group has about 1.1M people across the world, and some of the posts were outright depressing to read.
Evolution and brain wiring
Evolutionarily, men and women are programmed to be attracted to each other, and meant to engage in physical intimacy, so as to have offsprings. One of the primal need of both sexes was to leave a legacy, and there’s no better legacy than having your DNA passed on. This isn’t just restricted to humans — the animal world is the flag bearer or archetype of this primitive function. Unfortunately, the humans of today don’t even see having kids as a necessity (and am lost for words).
Our brain and body hasn’t really evolved to current cacophony — too much tech, social media, less human interactions, less physical activity, less sunshine, and it’s the same with fantasising to unrealistic women/men who perform online to titillate your senses.
When you first watch porn of any form — the brain doesn’t understand what’s going on — but realises that there’s a dopamine hit. It just feels good — albeit temporarily, but there’s something sinister that's happening in your brain — it’s learning, adapting and forming a new habit.
There’s probably nobody better who can explain the ill-effects of porn on the brain than Huberman. This is just a small sneak-peak and there are many lengthy podcasts by him on dopamine, purely from biology perspective.
The higher the dopamine hit, the bigger the fall — well below baseline.
As you watch more of it, your brain doesn’t hit the same highs and one needs more — hardcore versions, new variety, new women, multiple women, etc — the progression (regression in reality) is alarmingly exponential.
Also, the brain is learning to get stimulated only by women online — the ones who will never have sex with you! Eventually, you stray from the evolutionary need for real physical intimacy and literally fry your brain with bad programming.
Considering that married women/men are large consumers of porn, their real intimacy is bound to suffer, performance will reduce, strain your relationship and lead to more porn to satisfy the unsatisfied urges. If you ask men, most would say, “I fantastise about some hot chick while having sex with my wife”. May be the women know or they don’t — my guess is they might. For the curious ones — the stats are below.
“About 98% of married men and 83% of married women fantasise someone else during sex with their partners”
There was an acquaintance of mine I met last year, my collegemate and I met him after 22 years. What do most middle aged men talk about? Yes, sex. It always finds its way like a sneaky serpent or a water through the impervious rocks.
He said, “I watch porn every night and masturbate, sometimes in front of my wife. I can quit drinking but not porn”.
This is by no means a judgment of someone’s behavior, nor an indictment on individual morality. But if one were to listen to his/her inner voice, the demons within you, the ones you are ashamed of when you look yourself in the mirror— that’s what you should be wary of, be at war with and possibly work on.
Quitting is hard, but not impossible
The brain does not even differentiate between a bad and good habit, it’s dumb, by design and for very good reasons (evolutionary, efficiency, energy). And when it comes to porn — the pattern is the same — it doesn’t know the difference between soft porn, less dressed or nude women, real vs porn sex, visual or otherwise — everything is a stimuli, a “cue” that gives you some “reward”. Notice that it’s a loop.
One can read Atomic Habits or Charles Duhigg’s opus on habits, I wouldn’t want to go deep as I can’t do justice to this huge topic. But I can say for sure that you can break any habit by inserting some other “routine” or “activity” — preferably less sinister and more virtuous whenever the same cue presents itself, and yet the reward is similar/same. The fundamentals are same whether it is porn, smoking, drinking or any other habit you want to break.
Let’s assume that you watch between 9 to 11 on some weekdays (that’s the weekday prime time according to PornHub) and you are a married man.
Cues: Alone, boredom, wife/kids not around, visual or mental stimuli of a woman or some interaction, lack of sex.
Routine: Find a quiet spot, grab the phone, watch.
Reward: Tension release, orgasm, pleasure, dopamine.
When your brain is hyper-sexualised, you will view women differently and you won’t like it either, your in-person interactions with women will suffer, you might not even enjoy real sex. Your confidence will erode.
To break your “routine”, and get a similar “reward” — you need to find something that will replace the current routine — but you need to figure what that is — is it writing, reading, physical activity, interaction with friends, sauna, work, etc. The cues or cravings won’t go away, the new reward mechanism takes time to form in neural pathways, as much as forming the new “routine”.
Would you masturbate at 930 PM if you have an office call at 945 PM or say, a pre-planned walk with a friend, dinner time with kids? You know it makes you lethargic, weak and tired and you are less likely to fap. Finding that “something” is harder than you think, it takes time, but there’s no better option if you want to break this loop. However, if you are happy, and guilt free shagging to porn — that’s up to you.
This post is intended for men who feel bad PMO’ing and are giving a thought to quitting. The industry will grow faster, porn will thrive— as for it’s effect on men — there’s not one bit that's positive about it. Women that you see online aren’t comparable to your spouse, their beauty standards are impossible to match, their acrobatic moves, poses and sounds are something most women won’t ever do.
And I’ll leave you with a video of a former adult porn star, Stirling Cooper.
