Today is just one of many shitty days & write from my heart and what I may feel or say at times without thinking twice. I’m really hurt in today politics & by my hood church & religion world wide & by my family all of them actually. I’m struggling not with addictions but struggling with where do I belong? Earth? Mars? Heaven? Hell? or Pluto or with the Aliens? The more & more I search man lets me down each and every time. My own family & closest friends turns out to be my worst enemies & betrayals & endless lies never ends only with shoving money & drugs down their throats to think they love me or still do in other words you cannot enter my families approval without getting piled on or beat up one of the two your choice. Until the toothless & no eye brows to pumpkin teeth then came my turn to get piled on attacked by my own flesh and blood funny thing is I would of died for them only after I got the poor bastards drunk & high first. Which includes all who tried to knock me out or tried to rule my life & muscle my money or take advantage of my goodness & good looks all this time just to be attacked or have another family member steal what was once mine male sluts bitch please if I wanted him he would still be mine. Cousins to all my sisters which is really 7 billion people and loyalty does not exist to sisterhood or who is with me. The gang life seeing them salute one another on welfare checks that is not the mob life or my life & pimping bitches to the street life to my own rescuing was my own self indulgence of man. The only escape or financial escape was running to another trick or another dick I thought I was the ugly one or made fun of all my life because of my crooked smile yet ten years later I see KARMA evolving & see their ugly rotten teeth & ugly rotten hearts with ugly lives & everyone of them hurt me & now tables turn they still all have ugly hearts & ugly teeth. I fight within myself I requested my son back from my mother. Where is the love? Somehow I turn out to be the bad person & bad mother & to this day I hate my family & hold a lot of anger of give me back my first born son. This is where I’m at in my life I’m barely holding on and struggle just to eat & cry myself to sleep each night. I’m really mad at my church I thought was mine but when other people find out not from me but about my manslaughter3 charge & treat me like I’m the worst person who shouldn’t be in church or gossiping little bitches I wanted to head bunt your fucking lying faces a tribe of snake tongue bitches passing on my personal information to others when its not your business or there’s I hate bullshit eyes you looking at me for a reason or do you think I’m truly a killer? This is suppose to be a church of God when their little devils themselves I honestly think a lot of times I miss jail & I miss the one’s that truly known how honest & truthful I am or to befriend the enemy and become family or run to man the only thing I know to keep me from feeling sadness this time its finding a friend or just that one person to talk to and cry to and run to. Without man or drugs or booze or crying for once. I miss my son he is now 12 & I haven’t been a mom since he was six months old & still my family are fucked not to give me back my son this is where I hold a lot of anger towards his father now dead by suicide not by me. He kidnapped my son on my 21st birthday & I regret falling in love with a coke head that tried to kill me and his son then himself. Somehow I found a way out & somehow I found my way to the federal penitentiary thanks to the trail of drugs and addiction. 5 years & 5 months and somehow 5 years after my warrant expiry date I still get treated like a killer or a bad person or a bad mother. All I want is my son to be with me for the rest of my life. Everyone else can go straight to hell. I have a home and nothing in it but its mine. I still get laughed at give up my home & I’m still a bum. This is where I fight with a passion for others with no mothers or fathers because my dream is to be with my son in paradise happy rich and happy away from ugly people with ugly hearts I fight for him & I fight for you. I’m not scare of anyone or any man for that matter & I have no church or no one I can count on but myself. Everyone wants money they don't have and everyone waits patiently to see me rise or see me crumble. Music eases my pain & music sets me free. I feel like there isn’t nothing left in this world for me to be apart of but to continue not to destroy lives with dope & booze or who trusts who when I quit hanging out personally with the best of the best getting high & getting drunk with the best of the best. I miss the bad asses & lifers equally both love me & both never want to see me again because that is what true love is. I quit to protect them & I quit killing others with drugs and getting fucked up which included myself overdosing & included myself being raped more than once more than twice more than must I go on? Walking a dog in the park or having a glass of wine brings me somewhat comfort of not getting shit-faced today & hold on be strong I’m so close to hiring a lawyer & my first born son is all I have left in this world that makes me stay from going insane from the ones who judge me & I’m fucking fed up with broken trust & the word hate I hate back. To injustices why did I even do a inch of time I didn’t kill him I went down for someone that wouldn’t even take a bullet back for me each time I saw a dead person I wanted to be a hero and save them. Instead off to the pen I go first time ever & I met the most solid people ever in there one by one taught me not to be a cry baby & taught me don’t ever come back with tears in their eyes make them proud & make a life out in society. I miss you all fucking much the one’s still in the inside & including all the bad ass’s in society I miss hanging out with the best & cruising with the best. Its really hard to escape & its really hard to love when all the love is gone. My conquest is to get rich & give it all away to everyone but my family & take back my first born son & fight for world hunger & fight the giants. To work with the best & be one of the best is my last mission be remembered for the good in my life & not all the bad I have enough haters to ruin & set me up to fail. I put my fucking middle fingers up & salute those mother fuckers who tried to kill me one by one including the haters I have enough in my life and all my rapists included. I love my life as is now without bullshit & without cry me a river they need something never ends go suck a dick bitch. That is how I feel today. As you were…..