Grow up, as a new self

I didn’t realize I was so easy to get scared until moving to the US. I was so comfortable sitting on my “social capital” — friends, social image, family and had a life that I didn’t need to consciously think about “building a social network”. Now it becomes something I don’t even need to remind myself of.

Coming to a foreign country in one’s late 20s is not that easy, especially if you consider yourself as a somewhat “articulate” person in your mother tongue. The cross-cultural transition is slower and harder. I easily close myself. I feel hard to make real connection.

The frustration of not being able to express myself or overall socially connect with others extended my interest in psychology and I naturally started a journey of observing and learning who I am, what makes people connect, how social network works etc.

Concurrent with this cultural transition, I’ve grown from 20s to 30s. I met many more people from all different walks of life and heard many more stories, some of which have good ending, others bad or just mundane. I think the reason I was reluctant to fight is the realization on the uncontrollability one to his life — endless struggles with no good ending. I’m so scared that my life is going to be an unworthy one. Then I figured the only way to make it less likely to be unworthy is to go ahead and try. Living in a foreign country pushes things to limits (sometimes extreme), and makes life more clearer, in some way.

So Here I am — claiming a war to myself. No more self-denial and no more giving up. To start this long, and probably endless battle to express myself as well as I can. This will be the first step of a worthy life — re-connecting with the world, and with myself.

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