Rough Weekend for Chelsea and United; Arsenal Win Narrowly
The Premier League’s fourth weekend brought some crucial wins for sides like Swansea and Crystal Palace
Arsenal fans, rejoice! We’ve very nearly made it through the summer transfer window hubbub in typical Gunners fashion by keeping our wallets tightly shut. Arsenal manager and noted scrooge, Arsène Wenger, has yet again dispelled each and every rumor of a surprise transfer happening in this window. Now that the Frenchman has mercilessly robbed even the most deluded of Gooner fans of their Karim Benzema or Edinson Cavani fantasies, we can all collectively focus on the task at hand: Finding more and more innovative ways to win 1–0 games against lowly EPL sides.
This past Saturday morning’s first game featured an all-Puma affair as Arsenal and Newcastle kicked off at 7:45 AM EST. Through the first three matches, Newcastle had amassed a whooping two points, having conceded a total of four goals. This alone should have been a promising situation for a Gunners side that had only reluctantly held Liverpool to a scoreless draw earlier in the week. But Arsenal, during the first fifteen minutes of play at St. James Park, got off to a rather lackluster start. Thankfully, they were soon jolted wide awake when the referee on hand, Andre Marriner, brandished an unexpected red card to Newcastle striker Aleksander Mitrović for a studs-up challenge on Arsenal’s Francis Coquelin.
Usually, Marriner is calm and level-headed when it comes to issuing carded demerits on Premier League pitches; however, on Saturday morning he looked ready to wave the yellow card at anyone who dared to make a clownish dive or a single feckless tackle. As the match jogged past the 20th-minute mark, the softie-turned-disciplinarian Marriner had already issued three yellow cards, in addition to the aforementioned straight red he showed to Mitrović. Down to ten men, Newcastle bravely challenged Marriner’s patience by diving into reckless challenges and collecting fouls all over St. James Park.
Of course, given Newcastle’s vulnerable circumstances, Arsenal prepared to launch a bevy of attacks towards Tim Krul’s goal. The Dutch keeper valiantly warded off each and every shot and made everyone watching wonder why on Earth Theo Walcott was deployed as Arsenal’s sole striker. In fact, after Walcott missed two can’t-miss one-on-one chances against Krul, even I was actively hoping Wenger would turn to not-currently-in-form striker Olivier Giroud. My thinking, in those early, sleepy hours of Saturday morning, was that the lanky Giroud could easily manhandle the overworked Newcastle defensive core as Arsenal’s speedy wingers Alexis Sanchez and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain supplied their usual plethora of crosses. Walcott, being a speedy winger himself, was simply unsuited for the striker role in a match that clearly demanded someone of Giroud’s athletic make-up.
Before any of that could happen, it was Oxlade-Chamberlain who decided to take matters into his own hands — or feet, rather — and slotted in the Gunners’ heavily-deflected (and only) goal of the match in the 53rd-minute. So by the time Monsieur Wenger had gotten around to subbing Giroud into the game, Arsenal had already activated the “Park the Bus” scheme from José Mourinho’s playbook, and eventually held on for the 1–0 victory.
Now that the blame-apportioning Portuguese named Mourinho has entered this recap, this is a good time to remind ourselves of the players he feels are expendable at Stamford Bridge: Everyone.
Whether you’re a team doctor suffering Mourinho’s wrath or the woefully misfiring superstar Eden Hazard, the Special One has left no “Stones” unturned in his relentless quest to assign the necessary blame upon each member in his Chelsea stable. Moreover, in his typical, brooding form, Mourinho declared in his pre-match press conference that “everyone loves to see Chelsea beaten.”
Alan Pardew’s Crystal Palace side took notice of the Special One’s insecurities about his Chelsea squad and unleashed their trident, consisting of striker Connor Wickham and wingers Yannick Bolasie and Bakary Sako, upon the dreadful Chelsea defense. Given that John Terry was strapped to a Stamford Bridge seat while serving his suspension for a controversial red card he amassed the previous weekend against West Brom, Mourinho fielded a back four of César Azpilicueta, Gary Cahill, Kurt Zouma, and Branislav Ivanović.
If this was last year’s Chelsea, then even a Terry-less back four would’ve held together for a scrappy Chelsea draw. But, this season’s edition, which has already allowed a mind-boggling nine(!!) goals, immediately looked on edge from the opening kickoff. That is, they looked as if they were about to completely fall off the edge of a cliff defensively the entire game, leaving a brilliant Thibaut Courtois to fend for himself in the Blues’ goal.
Cesc Fàbregas, who’s made a name for himself in the footballing world for his pinpoint, precise passing, channeled his inner-Calum Chambers and completely went off the reservation both offensively and defensively most of the match. Even when Palace backed off defensively, the Spaniard still couldn’t thread a pass to a sprinting Pedro or a waiting Diego Costa. Speaking of the mercurial Spanish international, Costa had a rough match and was seen mouthing off at the referee multiple times for uncalled fouls. In the ref’s defense, Costa did spend a wide majority of his time flailing to the Stamford Bridge pitch at the slightest of touches, which is highly unfeasible given that he’s a 6'2", 180 lbs specimen.
When not actively seeking for ways to engage in verbal and physical fights with the Crystal Palace defenders, Costa was busy spearheading the Chelsea counterattacks. Under normal circumstances, this responsibility would go to Chelsea’s superb wingers, like Pedro or Eden Hazard, but given that duo’s lack of impact during large swathes of the Crystal Palace match, Costa was forced to carry the attacking load.
The Blues had a clear shot on goal in the 41st-minute when Costa began the counterattack from his own half and carried the ball all the way to the Palace third. Then after a quick exchange with Hazard, Costa fired a shot across goal to the lunging Palace keeper, Alex McCarthy, who parried the shot directly to a bewildered Cesc Fàbregas. Instinctively, Cesc took a shot that a recovering McCarthy again parried away brilliantly. The parried ball then serendipitously bounced invitingly in front of a rushing Pedro who completely missed after swiping at clean air in the hopes of connecting on a half-volley shot attempt. The Palace defense, at long last, booted the ball far away from their own goal.
This would be as close as Chelsea would come to scoring in the first half. Late in the second half, the woebegone talisman Radamel Falco scored a brilliant 79th-minute header to level the game at 1–1 for the Blues only to watch Palace score their second goal roughly two minutes later.
When asked about the pivotal Falcao goal after the match, Mourinho set the record straight immediately: “Falcao’s goal means nothing for the team but for his personal confidence it is good.”
Well, then.
Chelsea’s loss at home was rather surprising, but given their recent terrible form, it wasn’t completely unexpected. Manchester United, on the other hand, were coming off of an emphatic mid-week victory against Club Brugge in the UEFA Champions League qualifying stages. United striker and captain Wayne Rooney had even ended his streak of goal-less matches by netting a hat-trick in Belgium. In every way, United fans were certain their team could handle a decent Swansea side.
Apparently, such was far from the case. There were chinks in the United armor that became readily visible when Garry Monk’s Swansea side began pelting shots at the United defense right from the opening whistle. Captain Wazza once again slunk back to the largely ineffective form he’s displayed for United in their first three EPL matches. And the United defensive core of Morgan Schneiderlin, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Matteo Darmian, Chris Smalling, Daley Blind, Luke Shaw, and keeper Sergio Romero could do nothing to stop the deluge of Swansea counterattacks and shots-on-goal.
Since Louis van Gaal had instructed center backs Smalling and Blind to play a high defensive line, Swansea began to chink through balls over the top of the duo, who were clearly ill-prepared to dispel the sudden transitions in play. Swansea’s André Ayew and Bafétimbe Gomis were pivotal in spearheading the attack, while the tandem of Gylfi Sigurðsson and Jonjo Shelvey shepherded the midfield.
The United defense was forced to resort to wanton displays of last-ditch tackles and severe mental lapses while dispersing the Swans’ attacking efforts. Even the United defensive midfielders Schneiderlin and Schweinsteiger seemed frazzled. Schneiderlin would eventually proceed to pick up a careless yellow in the 36th-minute, while the German Schweinsteiger was repeatedly seen hollering at his attacking teammates to work harder defensively.
After a 48th-minute goal from Juan Mata to put United ahead 1–0, it all went downhill for the Red Devils. The Swansea counterattack, now more potent than ever, easily tore apart the disorganized and undisciplined United defense enough times to secure the two goals necessary for the Swansea win. Even Captain Wazza’s brilliant touch and controversial dive in the penalty area in the 87th-minute weren’t enough to earn United a penalty (and a shot at drawing the game) against a resilient Swansea side.
Throughout the game, Louis van Gaal was seen jotting down notes in his handy-dandy black notebook. One has to wonder what some of those notes looked like after the tough away loss to Swansea. My guess?
- Slow start to this Swansea match. Is it “Memphis” or “Memphis Depay”? More importantly, why does he wear Under Armor cleats??
- I wonder how much André Ayew cost Swansea? Oh. Ryan Giggs just told me he was a free transfer. Well, we at Manchester United would’ve paid top dollar for his talents!
- Ryan Giggs just told me to look up the definition of a “free transfer.”
- Wasn’t Gylfi Sigurðsson that player Tottenham once signed? Wasn’t Jonjo Shelvey at Liverpool at one point? No matter. We can sign these two lads from the leftover money of the David de Gea transfer to Real Madrid.
- Ryan Giggs has just informed me that would be a HUGE waste of money.
- Giggs is right. We need to go after the 30-year-old Bafétimbe Gomis instead. (NOTE: Make sure you let Swansea manager Garry Monk know Man United won’t pay a single penny above £60 million. Take it or leave it.)
- Giggs has just informed me Gomis has a buyout clause of only £7 million. Oh. Moving on to more pressing matters…
- SIGN “MYSTERY STRIKER” BEFORE TRANSFER WINDOW CLOSES!!!
- Annnndddd, we lost 2–1. Time to call José Mourinho tomorrow and talk tactics.
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