My Self-Love Story
My self-love journey has not been easy. Writing this post serves as a major step to further concrete my commitment to self. To be honest I have deleted this article several times. I’m already comparing it to the countless others that are already online. However, as an act of self-love I am putting trust in my words and conviction behind my story. Whatever it entails it will be honest and authentic. If this can help you then I’m glad.
Self love was a very foreign thing for me. From a young age I struggled to see myself as more than “fat fagot.” I had my first wave of suicidal thoughts when I was 8 or 9 years old. I was assigned male at birth, but I clearly new I was different. I never lived by the masculine archetypes. Which made me an easy target at school. At first it was just aggravating. Then all of sudden, those words, those mean chants became what I saw myself as. I used to tease myself to beat them to the the punch. Then it became a regular routine to look in the mirror and hate myself.
At home the energies were always in conflict. My mother was as loving as she could be, but taught me to be ashamed of my femininity as well. I don’t think she despised it naturally, she was looking out for me. My father was a different story. He was very cold and distant. His anger was a landmine. He criticized me heavily. He showed disdain for my love of all things pink and girly. Most kids look to their fathers as heroes. At times he was. At other times he was scarier than any monster I read about. In my teens, I hated him beyond measure. At times our arguments came to blows. He taught me I was wrong for every encounter. I felt powerless and broken.
It wasn’t until college I began to come out of my shell. My first decision of self-love was coming out to my family. They didn’t respond well. Yet I was fortunate to have friends that supported me. And from there another challenge persisted — dating. It was tangled and confusing mess for me. I often fell for straight guys who had no interest in me. And maybe that was on purpose. I didn’t want them to be interested because deep down I felt worthless. Worthlessness became desperation. Before I knew it I was performing shallow acts of kindness to get one guy to like me. I thought he did and then he started seeing someone else. I felt abandoned again. Through this, I had one good friend. She always told me how beautiful I was. All I could see was that no one really wanted me. But she was still my best friend and she stayed by my side.
I don’t know when I became conscious of my need for self-love. There wasn’t a specific moment, but a series of observations that lead me to acknowledge that something had to change. I started to commit to learning about myself. I began to use witchcraft and spiritual practice as a way to connect with my higher self. Through this and other hard lessons, I began to see that I was not as horrible as thought I was. It was a slow process, but soon I began to like myself a little more. I was embarking on the craziest relationship of my life. I took myself on dates. At first, it was simply grabbing coffee alone. Then I got brave enough to see a movie by myself. I finally was bold enough to be one of those people who went to restaurants alone and enjoyed my own company. With time I began to appreciate my skills, my personality, and even my looks. My relationship with myself is far from perfect, but now I understand how I am. I know rejection is my greatest fear, but I know radical self-acceptance is the source of my courage. I am learning to trust my intuition and have confidence on the path that I’ve chosen.
With all sincerity, I can say that I am a person who deserving of love, acceptance, and joy. My self loving relationship has never been better. It’s not perfect, but each day I make progress. If you are struggling loving yourself, I hope this can give you some inspiration. And above all remember that you are worthy of all of the love and joy in the world.
Much love and many blessings.