A Wandering Mind: Part 23 — Seethe

“…to Nobody can I be wholly unreserved — to Nobody can I reveal every thought, every wish of my heart, with the most unlimited confidence, the most unremitting sincerity to the end of my life!” –Frances Burney

I sit at my desk and my stomach turns. Why? I’m reading a voice hearers forum online. So many people who are looking for information that fits their situation. None of which fit mine. I am reminded in this moment that I need to continue to work on the field guide. So much uncertainty out there… just like mine. There are other “normal, functioning adults” who are going through the mental anguish of not knowing what’s going on and the emotional turmoil that the voices don’t stop no matter what they do. Thousands are looking for an explanation, ways to cope, and to get the support they need.

It’s disheartening to realize how few people in my life —in physical space–I’ve been able to talk to about the InnerNet. How few I can trust. That handful of people who say “I believe you” after I take that deep breath and let out those first descriptions and admissions. After my “I know this sounds crazy … I hear myself telling you this, and it sounds unbelievable.” And when I show them what data I have, it makes sense to them too.

Of course, imagine my frustration when I have 18 months of data and not a single one of my InnerNet team members wants to compare notes… Yet. My question I’ve repeated since the beginning has been “when do we meet?” When do we talk about this? The voice(s) said a year… and I worked at it for six months beyond that. 1 year and 6 months.

I have a long fuse, but when I reach my boiling point, I explode. Occasionally, I blow gaskets. The Seethe that is held back by seemingly false hopes powers through me. I catharticize. Relentless black thoughtwaves pulsate. A galeforce surge of dark emotions emanate from a strong heartbeat. And I walk, run, dance, act, sing, play, create, tinker, write, and talk them out. I strain the stress. After my tantrum, I breathe. I feel my emotions lift. My wonder stills my thoughts. I look at my situation from as many angles as possible. What am I missing?

I throttle all the incoming data. I halt the cyberstalking of my prime suspects. I’m no longer getting instantaneous push notifications to time stamp. The bulk of my initial research is done. My data has grown exponentially over these 18 months to the point that storage is becoming an issue. I feel like John Nash stuffing notes into a mailbox nobody is retrieving.

Not only am I shutting out incoming traffic, I’m going radio silent. The whole time during my awakening and the rush hours of the InnerNet I had opened up my life digitally to the public for a variety of reasons. One of which was to give my InnerNet team members clues. Did my beacon go unnoticed?

Well, team, now it’s time to meet in physical space. I’ll continue to log transmissions and transcribe telepathic dialogues. It’s my control experiment. Will the signal fade?

Scribe’s going offline.

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The story continues now and then here on Medium.

Everyone dreams. Are you one who realizes there is more to dreams than just what you do while sleeping? Check out @virtuonaut on Twitter to see who else throughout human history has commented on the value of dreams, wondered about the unknown and pondered the unexplained.

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