SHOULD I STOP SAYING “GOOD JOB!” TO MY KID??

Why everyone keeps saying to STOP saying the typical “good job!” or “good boy!” to children?? Is it that bad? We need answers…

Well, let’s talk about praise.

Haven’t you notice that when you don’t get likes on a picture you posted on social media you kind of wished more people liked it? And when you get loads of likes you kind of feel good about it and can’t stop looking for more? Well, that is called being addicted but also being a praise junkie. And don’t feel bad about it, we all feel it at some degree, having in mind the way we have been raised. But again, nowadays, thanks to research, we know that constantly praising our children is not good for many reasons:

• Making kids praise junkies. It is true that sometimes we just compliment our children just because we are genuinely pleased by whatever they have done/achieved. But even then, however, it is worth looking at the consequences of constant praise. Praise might increase kids’ dependence on us and our approval. The more we say “good job!”, “good boy!” or “I like how you…”, the more kids come to rely on our evaluations, our decisions about what’s good or bad, rather than learning from their own judgments. It leads them to measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and give some more approval. Saying just “good job” doesn’t encourage kids, it makes them feel less secure. It creates a vicious circle such that the more we praise them, the more they need it! Sadly these kids will grow into adults that don’t believe in themselves and that constantly need other’s approval.
• Taking away child’s pleasure and sense of achievement. Toddlers and preschoolers need our evaluations and guidance when appropriate from time to time, but a constant stream of praise is neither necessary nor useful for children’s development. Children need to take delight in their accomplishments, to feel pride and pleasure on what they learnt to do. That’s why you normally hear a kid saying “I did it!” when they achieve something on their own and nobody even praised them, and that feeling is priceless. I still remember when I worked in a nursery and three year olds would show me their pictures and say “do you like it?” or “is it good”? Soon I realised that those situations were the proof of what constant adult praise can do to kids. They needed my approval to determine if what they did was either liked or good, which I found pretty sad. What I said back to those kids though was “do YOU like it? or “tell me more about your painting”, so I made them protagonists of their own creations and achievements. It was interesting to see that those kids were a bit confused as they had probably never been in that situation and they weren’t able to judge their own work or develop critical thinking. I wanted them to share their pleasure with me, not look to me for a verdict. I wanted them to exclaim, “I did it!” instead of asking me uncertainly, “is it good?”.
• Losing interest. “Good running!” may get children to keep running for as long as we keep watching and praising. But, Lilian Katz, early childhood education leader says, “once attention is withdrawn, many kids won’t touch the activity again.” Indeed, scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. For them now the point isn’t to run, to read, to think or to create — the point is to get the goody, whether it is an ice cream, a sticker, or a “good job!”.

Ok, great, so… what should you do instead of praise??

The alternatives for praise are basically being specific in your feedback by being real when giving your opinions or being thankful if they do something helpful. If a kid shows you something that they have done, ask them how they did it or what it means to them (if old enough) if they are still too young to converse with, you can still be specific and say for example: “you chose a lot of colours, it looks vibrant”. That’s it, you don’t need to praise that. Or do you praise your family or friends every time they do something like getting in the car? Kids don’t need praise when they are helpful, they need to be thanked, just as we do with adults.

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I hope you found this post useful and if you have any questions or an opinion, don’t hesitate to leave a comment below!

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