Stop Talking about Inner Beauty
Imagine that an eleven year old boy is the only African-American in his school full of Caucasians, and he can’t seem to make friends. Crying, he comes to you asking—no begging—for a way to fit in. He thinks that the color of his skin is his problem, and asks if there’s a way to become more white. You know that qualities like friendliness and empathy are what matter, not the color of his skin. To convince him of this, you say, “Don’t worry about the color of your skin. Because you know what? All people are white, including you! Kindness and love —these are the things that make you white. You have an inner white-ness, and no one can take away from you. And the media that creates an unrealistic standard of white-ness? It’s okay. White-ness is in the eye of the beholder, and someday, people will appreciate your inner white-ness and become your friends.”
Hopefully, that makes you cringe. Changing the meaning of “white” to “kindness and love” doesn’t make the color of his skin less important. These not-so-comforting words make being white the ultimate goal in his life. If virtues like discipline and compassion are the moral of the story, then talk about those principles directly. Don’t portray them as tools to become “white on the inside.”
This is why we should stop using the phrase “inner beauty.” Some women* are tormented by their self-image because they believe that their appearance is all that matters. A significant fraction of them go to dangerous lengths to become more attractive. In response, we as a culture use the phrase “inner beauty” to downplay the importance of aesthetics. But just like in the story, changing the meaning of a superficial concept by talking about “inner beauty” or “inner white-ness” couldn’t be more counterproductive.
Inner Beauty
We say things like “a women’s compassion makes her beautiful on the inside,” or “all women are beautiful.” But we would never say that “a women’s compassion makes her smart on the inside,” or that “all women are charismatic.” Those last two phrases sound ridiculous, and that’s because we don’t obsess over women’s intelligence or charisma. However, we talk about inner beauty without batting an eye because beauty is important. People care about how they look, and so it seems nice and harmless to tell everyone that they’re beautiful. If not on the outside, at least on the inside. What’s scary is that this relationship works in both directions: beauty is important because we talk about it so much. By saying that every woman is beautiful in some form, we imply that a woman isn’t a woman if she’s not beautiful. It implies that being beautiful is fundamental to being a woman, and that’s a dangerous message.
I understand that people use the phrase “inner beauty” to console those who are unhappy with their physically attractiveness. Low self-esteem is a real problem and we should address it. However, saying, “you’re beautiful on the inside” is an unhealthy solution. We should convey that appearance isn’t all that matters, not that we can redefine words to mask insecurities and invalidate insults. The overuse of “beauty” has raised the importance of the word in the minds of society. It is not a one-size-fits-all adjective and we should use other words to convey our thoughts.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Another reassuring phrase that people say is “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” In other words, don’t worry about conforming to unrealistic standards of beauty, because beauty is subjective. Cosmopolitan Magazine might not think that you’re pretty, but someone else will. This sounds like a good message, and it certainly has good intentions. However, it has the same problem as the phrase “inner beauty.” It puts more emphasis on appearance, not less. Consoling someone by saying, “you can be beautiful in your own way,” implies that being beautiful will make their worries go away. Even if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, that implicit message is unavoidable.
Aesthetic Beauty
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that aesthetic beauty is worthless. There have been numerous studies and articles stating that attractive people are more successful. How much people should care about their looks is a separate question. In fact, it’s an immense question, and I’m not going to try to address it now. My point is that if we’re trying to prevent women from obsessing over their bodies, we shouldn’t use language that transforms the word “beauty” into the embodiment of good. It perpetuates the belief that a women’s value is measured by her beauty. We can help correct this misnomer by changing our vernacular.
Closing Thoughts
Removing “inner beauty” from our speech won’t single-handedly stop every obsession with beauty, but I think it’s a step in the right direction. (Unless you think people should worry more about how they look. But if that’s the case, you’re probably not using the phrase “inner beauty.”) This is to all the people who talk about “inner beauty” as a way to overcome superficial expectations: I know you have good intentions, but let’s stop using that phrase.
As people, we do great things. We make babies laugh. We conquer mountains. We volunteer at soup kitchens. We do things that entertain, inspire, and comfort one another. In return, these things make us happy, awestruck, and loved. If we say that these things make us “beautiful on the inside,” then we’re selling ourselves short. There’s more to life than being beautiful. So, let’s stop talking about inner beauty, and start talking about happiness, innovation, compassion, or whatever principles in which you believe. Doing so will shift our focus away from beauty and onto what really matters.
—
*For simplicity, I’ll talk only about women. This can also applies to men, but I think as a culture, we put more pressure on women to look nice.
