The self-hate and the search for the balance.
Since I can remember I had a very low self-esteem. And I didn’t even realize it cause it always felt natural. Was only in the past 2 or 3 years that I actually became aware of that and finally started to try to change this scenario. But it`s not easy. Every self-help book existent is gonna tell you that you only wanna change/improve what you love. That you`re always gonna try to avoid things you don’t like or that make you uncomfortable. So how do you make yourself feel better if you don’t like yourself?
And the thing about having low self-esteem is that this affects directly all your other relationships. It`s not possible to have any healthy relationship — romantic, friendship, work — if you don’t have one with yourself. You`re always gonna put too much pressure on other people. Trying to blame them for your issues or putting too much responsibility on them to be your support all the time.
For me it was/is being a long process. Loads of therapy, reading, meditation, reflection moments, wine, crappy relationships, drama, talking, stupid guys, more wine, more drama, among thousands of others stuff. It works the same way as an alcohol or drug addiction. You must take one step at a time and go easy on yourself during the ride. Otherwise it`s very easy to relapse.

My process started when I moved to Scotland. I started my life over (again) in a new continent and I got very lonely. I don’t think I`ve ever had to spend that much time with myself before. Ever. It wasn`t cause I wanted to or cause I enjoyed my own company — it was cause I didn’t have anyone else. In the end this was what forced me to face this problem that affected my whole life until then, screwing up so many relationships and making me hate myself so much all these years.
Anyways… like any other addiction this is something you deny as much as you can. You blame other people when you don`t feel good. You say life is fair with everyone else but you. You tell yourself every day you don`t have the strength to deal with that, it`s too hard. You always find excuses to keep falling in the same patterns of behaviour. You think the universe is spending its precious energy trying to get to you. Drama, drama, drama. All of it to avoid the fact that you`re the only responsible for your life. You don`t choose what happens to you but you choose how you deal with what happens to you.
Of course, it`s waaaaaaaaay easier to give the big speech and play the “wise one” then actually practice. I really had to hit rock bottom to rise again. In that point my life was on autopilot. I got trapped in a self-hate cycle and kept repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Partying, being hangover, eating cause I was hungover, feeling ugly and fat, eating more cause I was sad, feeling stupid cause I was feeling sad, realizing my life was meaningless and empty, drinking to not deal with it, partying again and REPEAT. The rest is better not to mention.
After a while living like this I got to the point when I couldn`t do it anymore. I was destroying myself — my body, my organism, my skin — and pushing away everyone that tried to get closer. In a minute I was incredibly happy and five minutes later I`d get f*cking depressed. I poisoned all my close relationships cause it was easier being the victim. Deep down I didn’t want help, I just needed the attention.
Until the day I cracked and realized it was all in my mind. I wasn’t special and the universe wasn`t sabotaging me. I just didn`t respect myself enough to take control of my life. Once you become aware of your mind, listen to your thoughts and wishes, recognize your flaws and respect your limits, everything just falls into place. Trust me. That’s when you start to love yourself cause you just get so proud of being the only responsible for your life. And the same way it happens with the bad sh*t, also works with the good things. It`s a cycle. In this case a good one — the self-love cycle.
Life is never gonna be perfect. That`s the beauty about it. We`re always gonna have the good and the bad moments. The thing is to appreciate the good times and understand that the bad comes to teach you something to keep evolving. Once you accept yourself the way you are it`s easier to accept everything else that comes in your way. And, also, everything happens for a reason.
