What happens when you’ve done everything asked of you and its not enough? What do you do when you’ve tried your best and still failed? What happens when you just change things and they getting worse?

Imagine waking up everyday in pain. Yes physcially but mentally or emotionally as well. You listen to up beat music things of “happy things” like blue skies. Try to think of the good things that could happen. You go to work, do your job, provide good customer service, don’t make your boss angry etc. You go home and watch videos, play games or maybe go get food at a restaurant. You do all these things but… its not enough.

A ugly dark thought pops up all the time and you stop it. Even at your happiest moment or when laughing, it pops up. The thought or plan is suicide. You try to think of something else and half the time it works, but itll still pop up or worse, stay looming.

So you listen to advice and mainstram opinion and force yourself to go to the hospital for your suicidal thoughts and attempts. Its important to note you have not been to a hospital or doctor since you turned 18 because of mistrust so its been a few years. Not mention its expensive.- You are scared out your mind but a little hopeful. Flash foward 24 hours, you literally feel worse than when you went in. You more scared than ever and paranoid. They prescribe you meds… that can increase your risk of suicide among other side effects! And also recommend counseling- Remember this, we will be back to it. Did I mention a hospital bill you now worry about because you cant pay?!

Two days later after work you go home. You mentally defeated and need rest. Usually you do go home until late because you walk around or just to stay active or in public to keep your a bit more “okay”. But this night no, you go straight home. You walk outside to get some air late at night and what do you at your gate.. COPS… 6 COPS. Mind you, you’ve never been in trouble with the law, you respect, you feel better around them… but this time you are little uneasy. But you go comfortablely toward them, you have done nothing wrong, have no criminal record, you just wanna go for a walk. Why be afraid? But then they ask for you by legal name, a name that is far from the name anyone knows you by in your new state, except work but even there you go by a different unless on paper. You get scared, what did you do? They pat you down and ask a question that make you realize what has happened? “Do you have anything on you that are goona try to yourself with?”

… ITS A WELLNESS CHECK. Youve never had one but you have heard if them and have been dreading one for years. The cops doesn’t think you’re gonna hurt someone or them, they there for suicide. They put in the back of the cop car, thankfully not handcuffed because you cooperate and take you to the hospital. You realize someone has seen through your poker face and has called the cops. You would start thinking about who but you have no time. You have get sharp and think every word you say out. You have act like you have all together, but not say to much. This will the best poker face you will have to put on yet. You tell the cops you’re okay, it’s a misunderstanding. And then you get to the hospital and its on, you have to persuade the doctor not to hold you. That pretty hard when you’re scared thatb you got picked up by cops, are in a holding space with others who are handcuffs, cops starring at you, and panicking! But you do, you create a good story of misunderstanding, being careful not to say too much because you don’t know what they know. You still rather be with the cops than doctors, it feels less scary and safer, as you always have. At least the cops listened.

After a horrific 2–3 hour ordeal, you successfully have convinced the doctor not to hold you and you get walked out the door. Now scared out your and paranoid. You get back home, grab a duffle bag and your work pack. You get some cloths and other needed things and jet out of there. You’re paranoid there will be another wellness check and or someone else will show up, who knows! You sleep at the train station for a few nights, skip work, do not answer calls or text, and unplug from social media. You went from being suicidal but functioning for the most part to a highly suicidal, depressed, paranoid mess who self harms!

Congrats, this what going to the hospital has gotten you. That’s what you wanted right help, well here the result. You tried and went against your better judgement and now must pay the piper. You know, you had a little hope before all this, very little but it was there. Your attempts and self harm had space between them. Now there is no hope, since that hospital stay you havent had a day with self harm or attempt. Its fight to function at work and don’t even think about being social. You don’t trust anymore. You have sit all day at your desk plotting your next move. You even go back to planning your suicide attempts, where before they “just happened”. And even when trying to focus hard at work, those thoughts pop up twice as oftem as before. If you go home, you check around for cars and people around your place and look around for cops cars or ambulances. And you always feel the cops in certain locations are looking for you especially at the train station. And those meds with the risk of suicide… they may just end serving that purpose, so you make them hard for yourself to find…

Your life has become what you always feared. But like an idiot you press with more mainstream advice book a shrink appointment. Have you not learned your lesson?! Maybe you have but now you dont care about anything anymore. Your work which though makes you on edge but you like sometimes, you just keeping waiting to be fired. Not because you did anything, because you think less and less of yourself and thinks tour boss does too. You know your colleagues do. The organizations you are in, they are better off without you. Probably want you gone. Friends, give it 2 weeks and you’ll be forgotten after death. Family… given history you dont care, that’s one thing that hasn’t changed.

So its time for work, get up and spit at the world. You missing work only makes you worse. Unfortunately uou have woken up again, and the first thought is suicide. As you get ready, you wonder will you make it to sleep tonight. You don’t know but you hope not. Good luck, because it looks even trying die won’t kill you. I am sorry you are no longer the person before that hospital visit. That person wasnt great but its better than the person you are now.

I hope you find peace, but I know you won’t. But wait, wasn’t getting “help” suppose to well “help”? Make you better, not worse?