My question of the night sounds more depressing than it feels, but it’s important… in a perfectly unimportant manner.

Why does the idea of dying often feel more convenient than maintaining your role in society?

I’m not really here to make any educational guesses or suggestions in relation to suicide, I’m just an analytical mess that has a hard time feeling without thinking.

I suppose it’s time for some more context on this thought. Someone out there in the world is going to read this some day and think my question is preposterous. Maybe it is, but it’s a feeling I’ve often thought about; even fantasized about.

Death just sounds so easy when you’re frustrated with problems bigger than your tangibility to solve. I get incredibly frustrated with our political climate, often bitter towards political views that feel heartless.

I read an article once that ruined me in a sort of educationally beautiful way. It was simple, a discouraged liberal said that it’s impossible to teach and argue with people about caring for one another. ‘I cannot teach you to care about someone you might never know.’ Though it’s true, this made me both sad and perplexed.

Sure, it’s correct you may never know this person you’re voting to help, but if you were them, wouldn’t you hope someone was fighting for your civil rights too? I grew up in a household that firmly upheld the lessons deriving from the common ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’

Well for starters, I’d like rights, so.

However, we run into political turmoil in even these guide lines. What if these people are not as good of people as you are? What do murderers want done unto them, and do they deserve it? Unfortunately for us as the sheeple, there’s no version that lays it out. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you if they deserve it sounds far less wholesome. The reality of it though, is that there are bad people, and good people, and people in between. How do we enforce such black and white things like rules that work efficiently in such a blatantly grey world?

It’s an impossible question, and I wonder if the world is really just solving political jigsaw puzzles until everyone is happy, safe, and ready to move on to the good times. Do we even have such a possibility? We as a society are just solving one problem after another, until the end of time.

I refuse to believe that I’m the only person on this entire planet that finds that idea utterly exhausting. Everything about life is gearing up to the next issue to be dealt with; ‘the next hurdle’ they call it.

Why do I have to keep running and jumping over hurdles? When do I get to sit on the bench with the team and relax? I’m so exhausted by the idea of our political climate staying like this forever. As a twenty something it’s easy to believe that the country is this way right now, and will get better some day; but it won’t. Everyone disagrees, from now until forever. Utopia is a stupid myth, and any and all versions of it are lies with the way our country (good old us of a) is set up right now. We’re all lackey’s to our money-hungry government making copious amounts of money off the sick, poor, and future generations.

I’ll gripe about our political system later, for now I’m tired of arguing about politics. They’re everywhere, we’re so disgustingly saturated with politics and our own pious opinions we’re turning into evangelical robots. We are utterly consumed with our political agendas, and we can’t escape.

I watched Louis C.K.’s new 2017 stand up, eagerly with a friend after a long day with a beer or two. My god, it was all politics. Louis C.K. has always had political opinions in his routines, but never that I can recall and entire set that jumped from one hot topic to another. Do I think he’s trying to congregate a cult following of his political views through his stand up? Of course not, that’s ludicrous. The problem is that we’re losing our outlets from this strained political climate that is modern day Americans in 2017. It’s infiltrating our social media, our entertainments such as tv shows, movies, and even stand up.

Where do you turn to get away from politics and everyone that has something to say about it?

Nowhere. Absolutely fucking nowhere.

That exhausts me more than it saddens me, and being dead would make that easier. Mostly because if you’re dead, you don’t have to deal with it all.

Being dead doesn’t sound great, what I’ve imagined comes after does. Though the truth of it is death is an unpredictable variable, you can die in many ways, but what comes after? No one knows, religions have their ideas, but there is no irrefutable evidence that something, anything, comes after you die. The only certainty is that your body stops functioning, your brain ceases, and therefore it no long matters what you think about the health care system.

What a terrible, terrible thing to find solace in. What does that say about America, Americans. Maybe it doesn’t say much, maybe it just says that I’m mentally exhausted from my compassion for people, and my heartbreak from those less compassionate. Perhaps it says I’m a lazy fool, or a snowflake, or whatever people are calling liberals and millennials now a days. Maybe I’m just tired of the society I’m in, maybe I’d want to off myself less in Switzerland where it’s notoriously neutral.

Perhaps not.