Why do i feel so invalidated?
3 years after getting my degree and i am at the emptiest level of my life ever. What happened to me? i used to be fun, i used to look up to life, the life of the party, the joy amongst friends, life wasn’t always rosy but things were going. I remember i used to look forward to my life after university but i am at that stage now and i would rather be anywhere than here. Life should mean something, life should be challenging not motionless. I’ve had to come to terms with a lot of issues in my life recently and these issues give me sleepless nights. I grew up in a very religious home like 97 percent of everybody born into a Nigerian home, there wasn’t so much of a choice, now i am having to unlearn so many actions, thoughts and tenets i have been brought up with so i can create a space to love myself. Journey through this rough part has opened me to self introspection and i have come to realize the most important thing in life is to love yourself. Now here lies myself how can you love yourself when you can’t even validate or express yourself. When you are gay in Nigeria, you are completely non-existent, the idea is not even tolerated. I have had to come to terms with the fact that oh i have a chance to be successful, gain wealth, but i don’t have a chance at love. I would never understand how it feels to hold hands with the person you love while walking in public, i would never understand what it feels like to build a life with someone you love, i would never build a family with someone i love. These are some amongst my deepest fears i have had to confront and the weight of it pulled me all the way down. Sometimes i think to myself, maybe you’ll get a decent girl to marry, i mean a lot of people here had to and are still getting married because you just have to. And then i think these people must have been miserable in their marriage, worst thing is what i will be doing to the girl, i would be completely stealing from her a chance at real love, because it will never be like when its real and genuine no matter how much i try. Having a fake heterosexual marriage can’t be difficult for me, i mean i have had to live a fake heterosexual life, i have had several girlfriends, i have had to pretend amongst people the kinds of things i like in life just not give a red flag, i have had to constantly clear my browsers just so no one stumbles on my history. Sometimes i blame these hypocritical society and really hate it for putting me in this position, for making me having to explain myself and my sexuality, for making me have to pretend, for making me not be way i was made naturally, for making me not love myself but then i think to myself again and say fuck it, it is what it is, everyone has their struggles in life, this is part of mine. The days i really hate the world, those days i feel like leaving it, those days i feel like i don’t matter, like i don’t even exist. I have had to bottle all these up with no one to talk to, the thought of my friends and family finding out who i am really bumps me out. Whenever i think suicide i say to myself, i can’t let these hypocrites win, i have got to try and live this life, something might be out there for me. Sometimes i watch videos on YouTube of happy gay families, people coming out to their friends and family, videos of love and acceptance just to try and put a smile on my face. I recently applied to a school in UK for a masters program and i got in, i am trying tirelessly to get everything i need to be able to meet visa and financial requirements because i keep feeling like i would find something. I feel like a need a break, like i need to experience something different, i feel like i might be able to get some validations in life, maybe meet someone, try new things and experience life. I just want to be surrounded by people who love and accept me for me. I am tired of putting on acts, i can’t hide all through my life, if that is the case is there any point living it?