Dealing with Revenge Porn and “Sextortion”
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Being the target of revenge pornography and online abuse can leave you feeling violated and powerless. But there are ways to cope with the effects of online harassment, report cybercrime, and practice safe sexting.
What is revenge porn?
Revenge porn involves the unwanted distribution of intimate images, videos, or even sext messages — sexually explicit text messages. The term “revenge porn” can be misleading because it implies that, as the target, you’ve done something to deserve this treatment or that the perpetrator has a vengeful motive. In most cases, “non-consensual pornography” or “image-based sexual abuse” is more accurate.
Revenge porn or non-consensual pornography can take on various forms. You may have shared personal photos with a partner, only to later find those images anonymously posted on an online forum. When you confront your ex-partner, they likely deny responsibility or claim the photos were stolen. In other situations, an ex-partner will post your text messages and contact information on social media.
Of course, partners and ex-partners aren’t the only people who can access your private content. Hackers and thieves may steal personal photos and videos and distribute them on online forums, where other anonymous users then spread them. Sometimes, the content is accompanied by personal information such as your phone number, email address, or social media profiles. It’s even possible for perpetrators to alter nonsexual images or videos to create fake porn digitally. Stolen pictures and videos can be sold or traded in anonymous online communities.
Image-based sexual abuse is sometimes motivated by the desire to maintain control. The perpetrator may be trying to force you to stay in a relationship by threatening to share images. Or perhaps they’re seeking to “punish” you for leaving a relationship or some other perceived wrongdoing. Cases where someone threatens to release private photos or videos of you unless you meet their demands are known as sexual extortion or “sextortion.” This is a severe cybercrime where the perpetrator tries to blackmail you for money or sexual favors.
How widespread is revenge porn?
Because many victims are afraid to come forward, it can be hard to get an accurate view of the widespread problem. However, one survey of 3,044 Americans found that about one in 12 participants reported being a victim of non-consensual pornography. Women, especially those in their teens and early 20s, were more likely to be victims, with their male ex-partners the most likely to be perpetrators.
Being the target of revenge porn is a form of sexual abuse. You’re left feeling violated, with no control over the situation. The sudden loss of privacy can make you feel exposed, ashamed, and terrified to go public. Feelings of guilt can even prevent you from reaching out to loved ones for support, leading to social isolation and impacting your day-to-day health.
Even if the pictures are removed from online spaces, you may still fear they could reemereemergeime. Despite this, it’s essential to know that it is possible to move past this traumatic experience and begin to heal. You can also learn from the experience, find ways to protect yourself in the future, and move forward with your life.
Why am I being targeted?
There are many reasons why you may be targeted by revenge porn or image-based sexual abuse. But it’s important to remember that it’s never your fault, and the blame lies entirely on the other person and their inadequacies and unhealthy views of relationships.
Some motives include:
Vindictiveness. A perpetrator might feel hurt over a recent or past break-up. Rather than try to cope healthily, they use non-consensual porn to inflict emotional pain and tear you down.
Jealousy. A past partner might be driven by a sense of possessiveness and target you to make your future relationships more difficult.
Sexual inadequacy. They may want to draw attention away from their shortcomings by trying to humiliate you instead.
Fear. Your partner may be afraid of losing the relationship and use the threat of revenge porn to exert control over you and force you into staying. In this way, non-consensual pornography can be part of a broader pattern of domestic abuse.
Misogyny. Since most victims of revenge porn are female, and the perpetrators male, an ingrained prejudice against women can also be a motive.
Whatever their motives, your ex-partner feels entitled to share your private content with others, be they, friends or strangers. In doing so, they violate your privacy and take advantage of your trust.
Effects of revenge porn
The effects of non-consensual porn and online abuse can be severe and long-lasting. You might develop trust issues in your social life as you seek out new romantic partners or friends. You may feel ostracized by those who know about the content or ashamed that your reputation has been damaged at work, school, or the community. If the pictures include your personal information, you may live in fear of stalkers or experience harassment from people who recognize you.
Research has shown that victims of non-consensual porn are at risk of developing a variety of mental health and other issues, including:
Anxiety. The fear of deleted pictures resurfacing may constantly weigh on you. Or perhaps you wonder if friends, coworkers, or family know about the images and are judging you. The anxiety can present as physical issues like muscle tension, fatigue, or increased heart rate.
Depression. Feeling like you’ve lost control of your sexual agency or body can add to stress and despair. The helplessness of the situation may even trigger suicidal thoughts.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Months after sharing your private content, you may have nightmares and severe anxiety. The symptoms of PTSD can disrupt your daily life in various ways, such as limiting your ability to concentrate or sleep. Emotional symptoms like numbness and hopelessness may persist even after removing the images.
Job loss or loss of reputation. If coworkers or supervisors find the images, you might experience workplace bullying or job loss. Or you might be afraid to apply to new jobs or positions out of fear that your reputation has been damaged.
Intense shame and guilt. You might blame yourself for the incident, especially if you willingly shared the content with an ex-partner. Perhaps you struggle with low self-esteem and question your worth and value to others, wondering if you’ve failed as a mother, for example, or can no longer be a desirable romantic partner.
Isolation. Whether you hide away due to shame or feel pushed away from loved ones, the experience can lead to intense loneliness and isolation. You might be afraid to leave your home or have an online presence.
If you’re a victim of non-consensual porn, you may worry that your life will never be the same. However, there are ways you can regain a sense of control, bolster your mental health, and even stop or slow the circulation of your private content.
Dealing with revenge porn tip 1: Take action to minimize damage
Start by updating your privacy settings on your social media accounts. Most platforms allow you to restrict who can see your content. This could help ward off potential stalkers and minimize harassment. If you were hacked, be sure to change your passwords. Then, take the following steps:
Save evidence. You might be urged to delete all related data from your devices quickly. But you’ll need to retain proof if you plan to report it as a crime. Evidence can include screenshots of threats from an ex-partner, sites on which the images were posted, and a timeline of events.
Request the removal of images. Each platform has different community guidelines and terms of service, and the process of reporting a stolen idea or video will vary. Depending on where you live, some organizations and helplines can assist in requesting the removal of personal photos from online platforms, including Google, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Reddit. (See the “Get more help” section below).
Research local laws concerning non-consensual pornography. Laws can differ significantly depending on where you’re located. Some jurisdictions classify non-consensual pornography as a privacy violation, cyber harassment, or another offense. Depending on the jurisdiction, the act could be considered a misdemeanor or a felony. Reaching out to law enforcement or an attorney is valuable for learning more about local laws and how to proceed with pressing charges.
Tip 2: Cope with guilt and shame
Even if you recognize that you were the one who was wronged, it can be hard to see past your shame and guilt. Ruminating about your actions can impact your self-esteem and tempt you to self-isolate. But practicing self-compassion and seeking support from those closest to you can help you overcome this difficult time.
Don’t blame yourself. You may feel you were naïve to trust another person with your intimate content or even wrong to take the pictures in the first place. Even if you willingly send the images to a partner, the blame rests entirely on them for breaking your trust and sharing the content. If the photos are spread by someone you don’t know, they’re at fault for invading your privacy and stealing from you.
Focus on your positive qualities. Everyone makes mistakes, and instead of beating yourself up for your missteps, focus on your best rates. List things you’re good at or ways you’ve improved other people’s lives. Doing so can help you acknowledge that your identity isn’t tied to this negative experience.
Cultivate self-compassion. Your inner voice may tell you that you deserve to be miserable or that your loved ones will abandon you. Acknowledge that these thoughts aren’t necessarily reflective of reality. Challenge your negative inner voice by extending the same kindness to yourself as you would a close friend. Try listening to an audio meditation that focuses on improving self-talk: Being Kind to Yourself.
Confide in someone. You might talk to a friend, family member, counselor, or anyone you trust. Let them know what you’re going through and how the experience has shaped your view of the world and your emotional state. While they may not be able to solve the problem, opening up and being heard can be a healing experience. The person can also offer support in other ways, such as helping you research legal options.
Tip 3: Manage stress and trauma
The violation of your privacy can make you feel as if the world is an unsafe place. Threats are lurking everywhere, and you may feel a sense of unease in social encounters. You may become hypervigilant, which puts your mind and body under constant stress. But there are positive ways to manage that stress.
Get active. Exercise is good for the body and mind since it reduces stress hormones. Aim for 150 minutes of moderate exercise each week, whether that includes brisk walking, biking, swimming, or dancing.
Try out mindfulness practices. Mindfulness involves centering yourself in the present moment and approaching your experiences nonjudgmentally, and doing so can decrease rumination, anxiety, and overall distress.
Experiment with relaxation practices. Breathing exercises, yoga, and different types of meditation are a few proven stress-relief techniques. Practice other methods to find one that resonates with you and incorporate it into your daily schedule.
Address PTSD. If traumatic stress symptoms linger for months and interfere with your daily life, you may be experiencing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD can be managed with self-help measures and professional treatment, such as therapy and medication.
Tip 4: Begin to rebuild
You may have already started to reduce your online presence out of fear of stalkers or harassment. On the other hand, your anxiety might drive you to spend more time on the Internet than ever before, constantly searching to see if the images re-emergereemergere struggling with an addiction to your smartphone or computer. Consider taking steps such as:
- Turning off your phone during certain hours of the day.
- Setting time limits on your social media use.
- Removing social media apps from your phone.
Then, look for ways to fill that digital void. Spend more time focusing on offline activities. Meet with friends in person, attend local events, and take classes to learn new skills. Unplug more often, and aim to fill your life with meaningful experiences.
Build your self-esteem. One way to do this is by practicing being more assertive. For example, if you’ve felt pressured to sext by past partners, you can work on saying “no.” This can help empower you and let go of any people-pleasing habits. Other ways to improve self-esteem include taking care of your body, engaging in hobbies you love, and spending time with people who love and support you.
Turn pain into purpose. In some places, legal gaps make it difficult for victims of non-consensual porn to find justice. For example, in the U.K., you must prove that the person who shared the image intended to cause you distress — a loophole that allows perpetrators to escape accountability. Activists are needed to raise awareness of these gaps and push for legislation.
Many people are suffering in silence and looking for support and understanding. You could use your experience to work with a crisis hotline or organizations that focus on helping victims.
Be patient. Healing doesn’t take place overnight, and you may also go months feeling better, only to experience a dip in mood as old wounds reopen. Be gentle with yourself, surround yourself with supportive people, and acknowledge the good in your life.
Protecting yourself when sexting
If you regularly sext, meaning you exchange sexually explicit texts, images, or videos with a significant other, you’re not alone. One international survey showed that 67% of respondents had sexted. Research from 2018 shows it’s becoming increasingly prevalent among young people, but older adults also share private messages.
Sexting allows people to feel close when they’re physically apart. It’s also a way to explore sexual boundaries with a partner in a way that’s less intimidating than in-person. But that doesn’t mean it’s a risk-free activity. You can’t unsend your messages, so take the following precautions when sexting:
Start with a conversation about boundaries. You might only want to receive intimate texts during a specific time of day, so you don’t accidentally open them at work. You may want to stick to text messages rather than sending images and videos. You can also discuss how you and your partner will protect each other’s privacy by deleting messages.
Push back against pressure. If your partner is trying to coerce you into sharing more than you’re comfortable with, speak up about your unease. Never sext just because someone makes you feel obligated to do so.
Be aware of information that’s being revealed. Avoid including your name, address, or other personal details in your images and videos. Revealing features like your face, birthmarks, and tattoos can also be risky. If the messages fall into unwanted hands, a stranger can use those physical features to confirm your identity.
Be wary of duplicates. Many apps are set to automatically back up your content or sync it to other devices. Your phone, for example, may back up pictures and videos to the cloud, which can result in duplicates, so keep track of your most intimate content and delete it when necessary.
Choose a secure method of sharing. Many people use SMS and text messaging, but learning about other options is good. Apps like Snapchat are automatically set to delete messages after some time, and services like Signal allow you to send encrypted messages. Other messaging services include Kik, Dust, Confide, and Wickr Me. Research your options to find one that feels most comfortable and secure.
Take a moment before hitting “send.” Double-check to ensure no personal details are revealed in the background. Be mindful of your feelings as well. Are you feeling comfortable? Or are you feeling hesitant? If so, consider the reasons why. It would be best to weigh the potential risks and your level of trust in the other person.
