Six Fairytales that Mess You Up & Keep You From Your Happily Ever After
Here’s how to find REAL love.
Are you still waiting…? Here’s how to find REAL love.
I was willing to abandon my Kool-Aid Hawaiian punch, favorite animal coloring books, and my 64-pack of crayons that lay strewn across the front porch to glimpse him.
I’d race to the end of my driveway to see that one boy riding his black-and-silver dirt bike past my house.
He was handsome (translation: thin and wiry with messy hair), and the last day I saw him, he was wearing black-and-white checked Vans, a gray t-shirt, and Levis.
I memorized that outfit.
After all, I’d recognize him when he returned riding his white steed (well, his bike) to sweep me off my feet.
What my childhood fairytales taught me about love is that my handsome prince was coming back for me, for sure.
He would whisk me away from my boring life with my parents, where I was forced to do chores and homework, and he and I would live happily ever after.
I knew it to be true because this was what I’d been promised: by Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, you name it.
Even my modern-day Barbie hero, with her own amazing Malibu Townhouse, hosted Ken from time to time.
My heroines gave me hope. I hope that I’d be saved from this ordinary life.
Well, hope morphed into complacency and complacency into concern — where was he?
As I grew up, this constant waiting around created a sense of scarcity and urgency in me and many of my single sisters, which is hard to shake.
Six Myths and Fairytales
These six relationship fairytales (myths) are sneaky little suckers, so watch out!
1. “One day my prince will come…” childhood fairytale.
The sneaky message: Online dating is for suckers. You don’t need to do that, and you’re above all that nonsense because your prince is coming for you.
Don’t expend effort to meet people or pick your eyes up when walking around your city, because he’ll come to you.
You don’t need to leave your house — apply magical thinking, and your prince will appear, voila!
The reality: Nah, girl. This kind of thinking, magical or otherwise, will get you nowhere.
Don’t wait for your prince. Get on a white steed of your own and go out adventuring and find him.
2. “The One” fantasy.
The sneaky message: One person was created and put on this Earth just for you.
But what if you already blew it with your One?
That would be tragic, right?
What if you went on a first date with your One, snorted when you laughed, and a bunch of Diet Coke came out your nose? It was a date-ending moment. Tragic, and no “one” for you.
If there is just one, I hope they live in your town. How are they going to find you if they live in Libya? And, if they do find you by some miracle, would you follow them there?
The reality: As romantic as it sounds, the One creates nothing but scarcity and panic. It causes us to stay with a person even if the relationship isn’t working because they might be the One — and without them, there’s no one.
I went on 121 first dates, and I learned from this process that there is no such thing as the One.
I saw the possibility of having 121 different futures, all possible in their way.
I ended up with my One (and he’s fantastic!), but that was a conscious choice, not fate or destiny. I recommend ditching the concept of the One and finding your great match instead.
3. It’s a “love at first sight” fairytale.
The sneaky message: “And when our eyes met, it was like time stopped. We moved slowly towards each other, and we both just knew.”
The reality: Do you know what that is? That’s some intense bodily chemistry, as in dopamine, oxytocin, testosterone, and a whole host of other chemicals that get us high. That’s right. Do you feel that? You. Are. High.
It’s hot, and it’s exciting. It’s magnetizing. But it’s not the hinge that keeps a lasting, harmonious partnership together.
“I’ll know it when I see it” is a downside of the love-at-first-sight trope. When we pick a mate at first sight (read: hormonal response) alone, we will likely be mismatched in essential areas of our lives.
Give a date a chance to grow on you, and by the third date or so, I bet you’ll know whether this One will give you butterflies in all the right places.
4. This is a “meant to be” childhood fairytale.
The sneaky message: “I’ve met someone, and I think they’re the One. When we were on our date, I learned that he loves music, and you know I love music. Our birthdays are both in July. And we both like food! It must be meant to be.”
“Meant to be” is the magic glue that brings the One in contact with Happily Ever After. Or at least it can seem that way.
The reality: We hit the meant-to-be during the evidence-collecting phase of a new relationship.
When we’re excited about someone new, we tend to look for and find deeper meaning where there is none, and these MTB moments can distract us from the red flags of a mismatch.
You know, maybe he wants six children, and you don’t want any, but hey, you both like food.
Be sure to look beyond the MTB moments with your eyes wide open.
5. The “happily ever after” myth.
The sneaky message: You, your costly gown you’ll never wear again, your love, 200 people, a preacher, and God present to witness that beautiful moment you’ve been waiting for your whole life.
Dust off that old childhood storybook — what does it say on the last sentence of the final page?
“And they lived happily ever after. The end.”
The reality: The end? Not exactly.
We never saw Cinderella fight with her prince charming.
We didn’t see them do taxes, shop at Costco with the three kids on a Saturday afternoon, or deal with little Johnny’s bullying problem.
You’ve had your big day. Now slip out of the wedding dress, love each other unconditionally, ensure nothing goes wrong, and never change. Ever.
That’s what “the end” in the fairy tales we grow up with implies, but this isn’t how real life works.
Stay nice and limber to ride life’s roller coasters together. Over the long haul, desires, hopes, dreams, and directions change, and everybody needs to be ready to bend but not break.
6. The “All you need is love” fairytale.
This is the worst offender in how we learned to think about love in fairytale land. “All you need is love” gives you no room for boundaries, standards, or practical workability.
Love is not all you need if your love is a raging drug addict.
Love is not all you need if they’ve stifled your autonomy, creativity, self-expression, or happiness.
Love is not all you need if, despite your best efforts, you grow apart as human beings.
You need to feel safe, heard, and respected in your relationship, and your partner needs the same. You can love each other to pieces and still not be suitable for each other.
“All You Need Is Love” is a song by the Beatles; it’s not a way of life.
Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and the rest of the princess gang are all residents of childhood stories that may be fun and whimsical and contain some kernels of truth. Still, they ultimately don’t serve the badass, sassy adult woman you’ve grown to be.
It’s time to let go of your little girl tales, roll up your sleeves, and get curious about finding the mate who’s right for you. Maybe, just maybe, you can create your real-life version of happily ever after.
