Stalking Your New Date Is Never a Smart Idea
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So, you met them online. They're unique, have all the qualities you admire, and are sexy. Good for you.
Here comes the hard part: After the first date, you will want to…ah…" visit" them online. You're curious and want to gather as much information about them as possible, and you think you'll learn something new if you reread that profile. Plus, when you visit the profile, you feel connected, making you feel warm and fuzzy, suitable?
Wrong.
One night, you do a drive-by past their online profile and notice their status says "ONLINE NOW."
You feel a moment of terror.
Yes, it's true. They're cruising for other daters. Your competition, who will no doubt, be more attractive than you.
You know they're talking to someone with every excellent quality you don't.
They could be emailing back and forth right now.
You can forget your plans for the upcoming weekend because they're moving on.
Oh wait, you two still need to set a future date?
Your insecurities just magnified tenfold.
Somehow, you muddle along anyway.
The two of you keep dating, and when you feel like connecting with them, you check their status instead of texting them.
It seems like they're always online, not emailing you at the rapid rate you'd like. After experiencing this repeatedly, one day, you log on for a visit, see the "ONLINE NOW" status, and blurt out, "Fuck you!"
It's official.
This process has turned you into a crazy person, blaming them when they haven't done something wrong.
Raise your hand if you know what I'm talking about.
The last time I encountered this problem was two months (and seven dates) into seeing a guy I was head over heels for. Unbeknownst to anyone else, I'd become a total stalker, mostly because I wasn't getting the attention I needed from him. I ended the madness by logging off the site altogether. I didn't tell him I was leaving, and I didn't ask him to, either. I quietly took down my profile. I did this because I went to my own devices; I was untrustworthy.
As women, one thing that makes us feel safe loved, and sane is a constant connection with the people we care about. You instinctively feel safe when you connect with your (potential) person. When you go online and see they're not connecting with you — worse, they're connecting with others — the only person you're hurting is yourself (and your self-esteem). Hopping online for a drive-by is not kind to your spirit, and in doing so, you lose your capacity to be your best self when you're with them.
Checking in online isn't that big a deal. And honestly, it's not…when looking at the ones you don't like that much.
I recommend you try hard — significantly, very hard — to avoid peeking at the ones who could be keepers. The truth is, it's not going to help your chances, and in fact, it could damage them. It's one of the things that drives women away from online dating and forces off potential partners, as well.
Most people use dating site apps on their smartphones. Once logged in for a quick check, the phone will keep them logged in for the better half of the day, making it appear as if they're always online.
Keep in mind that you're dating a single person. Single people are free to date anyone they wish, as often as they want to — it's one of the perks of being single. Until you're exclusive, they don't owe you their undivided attention (nor do you owe them yours).
When you're dating someone offline, they could be dating others, and you can't witness it. I believe wholeheartedly that, in this case, ignorance is bliss.
Need another reason not to let yourself turn into a stalker?
On most sites, your views are public. That's right, stalker, they can see you looking at them! Some sites are smart enough to charge you for a privacy feature, so you must pay them to stalk in stealth mode.
Do you want to make a dating site rich because you can't control your impulses? (Says the woman who paid by the month for the privacy option on OkCupid. I write what I know.)
My BFF, Leslie, had a brilliant perspective on the topic. When I described this phenomenon, she said, "Oh, so you're snooping, and you mean you just poked your nose into his private business?"
Ouch!
I'd never thought of it that way. (She's a genius.)
In real life, I'm not a snooper. I've never read a man's email, checked his phone, or looked up anything on him. I'm not compelled to do these things; frankly, I don't understand women who are. It's weird. Even if I felt I had something to concern myself with, I wouldn't go about getting the information behind his back. I'd sort it out with him directly. So, it was shocking to realize that even I (a self-proclaimed adamant non-snooper) have stuck my nose right where it didn't belong online. It's none of my business, online or off. And let's face it, snooping never turns out well.
With this new perspective, I never did it again. Not that it was any less tempting, but once I saw his profile as his business, I saw it as an integrity issue. I couldn't do it.
What's an intelligent dater to do instead?
You can start by printing out or downloading their profile. That way, you have your file on your hard drive or desk for your handy reference whenever you need to remember if they said they like sushi or Mexican (or want to take a peek at those pics again).
Then "hide" them from view by clicking "don't' show him anymore" out of your search results once you've saved the profile. This is different than blocking.
After the drop and drag, get yourself a bigger life. Use that time you'd otherwise spend looking online to go to a café and read a book, hike, see a film, or have drinks with friends. Here's a novel idea: Use the time to keep dating other daters! You're single, remember?
Here's what we learned:
- Being a stalker is uncool and downright creepy and untrustworthy at worst.
- Snooping into their business starts with an innocent "visit."
- Your time is precious. Refrain from spending it obsessing over whether someone is online or not.
- Viewing a profile repeatedly will burn you out, making you hate the dating process slightly more than you already do.
Hot dating tip: Get started. Don't settle. Don't stop.
Good luck out there!
