The Number One Game Over, Flaming Red Flag You Should Never Ignore On A Date
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If a date does this … don't see them again!
"Consent" is a hot word right now. And it should be, and I hope it's here to stay. Because when a date does something against your explicit wishes, it's game over, right?
But, I've noticed the "consent" conversation essentially hovers around sexual consent only (and the trauma caused when authorization is absent and sexual assault occurs). —
Yet, people often show you on the first date whether they care (or not) about honoring your boundaries.
One woman shared this story with me: "I knew he wasn't the guy for me two minutes after we sat in the booth. He talked about himself incessantly, and he didn't ask me a single thing about my life. When he offered a second drink, I said, 'no.' But when the server came, he said, 'Two more, please.' He ordered six glasses of wine — three for him and three for me. I left that last one full, sitting on the table."
The pressure to speak up and tell the server, "Excuse me, please bring just one," was too great — it's an entirely relatable situation for many of us.
From a distance, it seems like one of those "duh!" no-brainer moments, yes?
But nearly every woman I know: Clients, friends, acquaintances, even me — we all have story after story of the times we didn't speak up for ourselves.
The pressure to "go along to get along," not rock the boat and avoid displeasing anyone (thanks to our cultural training) touches us to our core.
Our inner self whispers, "Get through this. Be nice."
Unfortunately, some people (let's call them what they are: jerks) count on this and are more than willing to take advantage of our demeanor.
It's an actual dating dilemma that's even trickier to address when your boundaries are violated by someone you genuinely like.
"We have so much in common and this rare uncanny connection!" Sandra said. "He's attractive, charming, quick-witted, and finally on the same par with me intellectually. Except there's one problem; he wanted to go a little further sexually than I was comfortable with this early on.
I told him I needed more time to prepare for where he was taking us, but he pushed. When I called him on it, he deflected and didn't own what he was doing. I decided to give him another chance because I saw real potential in him and could usually go with the flow. But he kept trying to take the date to places I wasn't ready for. Do you think it's wrong of me to stop seeing him, or should I give him another chance?"
(Once again, it's alarming how difficult it is for many women to say "no," or speak up for themselves.)
So, how do you know which people are likely to violate consent boundaries?
Spotting dangerous ones when you don't like them is easy. But noticing their negative traits gets a bit fuzzy when they're hot, intelligent, funny, charming, or all four. In these cases, I have a pro tip for you:
No matter how "nice" they are — if someone doesn't honor you by saying "no" to the little things — RUN!
Because, nice ass(ets) or no, they have just committed the #1 dating no-no!
They may as well have said, "I care more about what I want than what you need."
Of course, this behavior shows up differently from person to person. I put daters like this in three categories:
1. The 'Nice One:' This person would never intentionally push your comfort levels if they knew you wanted to bail or that you needed to slow things down.
2. The Sneaky Good One: This person is decent and heavily steeped in lousy information. We cannot discount our culture's massive impact on training people to believe women "play hard to get" and that, with any sign of waffling on her part, it's perfectly OK to push her further. You know, because we "secretly want it." (Oye, giant sigh!)
3. The Total Asshat: This jerk hears you say, "No, thank you," loud and clear and orders another drink anyway. Or sticks their hand where it isn't welcome. Yeah — that one. Disregarding your explicitly stated wishes, they practically slapped you with that red flag.
Want to know how a person will treat you long-term?
On the very first date, clearly, articulate a need or boundary. (Yeah — it's that easy.) How they respond to your limit or request shows you how they'll treat you now and in the future. If they don't honor your "no" about the second glass of wine, they will unlikely keep your "no" sexually.
Drawing a line in the sand can be challenging and challenging. I know; I've failed epically at it dozens of times. But I got better at it with practice, and you can, too.
Try practicing saying "no" and holding your boundaries with a close friend or in front of the full-length mirror.
Go ahead: try getting these words out with some grace and strength behind them:
- "No."
- "No, thank you."
- "No, this is my last one."
- "No, thanks. We're only here for drinks, not dinner."
- "No, I'm not available for that."
- "No, I'm not ready for this yet."
- "No, I'm not OK with you putting your hand there."
- "No, I'm uncomfortable talking about this until I know you better."
- "No, I won't be staying."
Seriously! … Practice this in your everyday life as much as possible.
I double-dog dare you because when you need to use that "no," to be fair to your date, you'll want to state it clearly. And to be acceptable to you, you'll want to mean it.
"No" might seem negative, but it's one of your most powerful tools.
Confidence in your "no" shows others they can trust you. "YES!"
