They’ve gone.
Perhaps it was a freak accident or a long illness — it doesn’t really matter now. They’re gone; they’re at peace.
But what are we left with? Guilt, loneliness, sadness. Perhaps even a sense of our own mortality.
A pet is a member of the family, often the heart-beat of the home. My cat Bert was the one I came home to after long, grey days, the one who woke me up, the one I wished goodnight. He was my best friend, and I spoiled him like a child.
I won’t presume to tell you how to mourn your own loss. We all have our ways. Perhaps you had to make the agonizing decision to put your pet to sleep, or perhaps you wished you’d opted for euthanasia sooner, to prevent a prolonged decline.
Guilt is often a defining feature when we lose a pet, and can be a stubborn feeling to make peace with. Or perhaps loneliness is the real kicker — your pet was your favourite company, and their absence is too much to bear.
Right now, I feel all of these emotions, and more. My beloved cat Bert was killed by a saddle thrombus less than a week ago. Here are the steps I took to grieve his passing and celebrate his life.
1. Make Peace with Guilt
Bert died as I was on the phone to the vets to confirm his euthanasia. The nurse said that Bert had gracefully taken the decision ‘out of my hands’, but I couldn’t help feel like I’d let him experience a horrible death instead of the kindness of a sedative, and the release of the injection. I am still dealing with these thought processes daily, because guilt is a persistent, stubborn emotion, and can only be defeated by radical acceptance.
Be kind to yourself as you move through this phase; tell yourself that you did everything you could, and acted in accordance with the information you had at the time. You loved your pet dearly. You took the path you took, and you took it out of love.
2. Talk it Out
Tell people how you are feeling. Share your memories and cherish them with your friends and family. The loss of a pet is a time of great sadness, and nearly everyone has been through it at some point. Don’t try to grin and bear it, or undermine your emotions by telling yourself it ‘was only an animal.’ If you don’t have any supportive people around you, The Blue Cross offer a pet bereavement service, and Paws to Listen offer a confidential phone line if you’re suffering the loss of a cat. Don’t bottle things up. Let it out.
3. Decisions: To Bury or Cremate?
I chose not to bury Bert, because I disliked the idea of moving house and abandoning him in the garden. If you’re sure you’re going to be staying in your current home, then burial is a lovely option. There’s the chance to conduct a proper funeral or service, which is especially important for young people and children who may only just be experiencing grief. The family has a chance to say goodbye and choose a gravestone together, perhaps painting pebbles with the animal’s name, or planting a particular flower.
I chose to cremate because I wanted Bert with me, in the home, where I felt he belonged.
4. Memories
Here’s where online shopping really comes into its own. The internet has so much to offer in terms of pet keepsakes. From pet portraits and decorative urns, to necklaces and keyrings, the choices are endless. I chose to purchase a necklace from Etsy, an engraved silver bar that opens to contain some of your pet’s ashes. I then went over to Notonthehighstreet.com and ordered a print of my cat, with the lyrics to a song that I used to sing for him — ‘He’s a Rebel’ by the Crystals. The ink paw print they took at the vets will go into a shadow box with a collection of his favourite collars. My mother took it upon herself to buy a leather keying with his name stitched in gold, that opens to reveal a photograph.
So his urn will take pride of place on the mantelpiece, his photographs will go on the wall, his cremains will hang around my neck, and his likeness will dangle from my car-keys.
He will be wherever I am.
5. Acceptance
When your pet has been laid to rest, the prayers and memories said and shared, the photos hung up on the wall…now what?
Perhaps in time you’ll be ready to move on and adopt another furry friend, or maybe the loss has put you off owning another pet. At the moment I feel like it’ll be some time before I invite another cat into my home. Bert was irreplaceable, as all animals are.
But in time we can begin to accept that our pet has moved on to greener pastures. We will smile when we remember them. We will watch the rosebush that we planted in their memory grow and blossom, and we will grow and blossom too.
You were lucky to have had them, and they — you.
