strawberry kiwi

cw: sex, alcohol, self destructive tendencies


i wonder

if i had a penny

for every time i said that i love you

if the weight of the metal

overflowing from my pockets

would be more or less

than the weight of knowing

you will always be

several hundred dollars short.


i wonder

if the lead

i’ve used to write about you

could poison my body –

never wasted, though

every stroke an affirmation

sleeping in and rotting at my insides

there is a pain in my side

as you ask me a loaded question.


i wonder

if you know that loving you

is strawberry kiwi bliss

freckle constellations

and warped-reality nights

spent sobbing over toilets

not drunk, just exhausted

from carrying this love

for the both of us.


i wonder if you know that loving you

is soft skin sliding together

as naturally as the tide pulls in

laser eye contact

electroshock therapy reawakening –

but it is also

nauseating panic attacks at 5am

after night terrors starring faceless girls

girls less visible, more palatable

they know how to step back

but they will never love you like this.


those naïve foolish girls

they will never spend

hours that seem like days

furiously pouring out stanzas

from their fingertips like a faucet

of sugar sweet yet bitter stomach acid

after chugging cheap vodka

to try and forget

the miles between your hands

hands that always seemed to find each other

until now.

they would never write things like

“the coffee of your skin

mixed with the hazelnut of your eyes —

caffeine always gave me the shakes

but i need you to wake up”


i wonder if you know

you can waste your time

with those pretty little things

date, kiss, fuck, repeat

that will never stop me

from having seen your intricate

delicate clockwork gears turning

you tick away

but i can’t defuse this bomb


i wonder if you’ve thought it too —

our love was every color i’ve ever seen,

and yet i dream up new ones even now

i see their flecks in your irises

i feel them in the grooves of your lips

i taste them when you come

i have never been religious

but i found god in the way

our hands found each other


we were trying

to shove ourselves back together

a puzzle piece love

single-minded children of the moon

we pressed in and arched out

new, full, waning crescent

i swallowed a supernova

it choked its way down my throat

leaving galaxies on my collarbones

and i was thankful

you mapped out your territory


you slipped out before the sun even rose

i guess i expected it

i’ve developed a tolerance for caffeine

you come and go in downpours and droughts

me, the incompetent weatherman

i hate this damn beating sun

i’m so tired of chasing you