I Want to Find Love the Old-Fashioned Way: Online

Anna: I know I’ve always said I would never, but I think I’m getting desperate, Becc.

Becca: Oh my god, this is huge! I really thought you’d never come around to the idea.

Anna: I’m trying — really trying — to be open-minded about the whole thing. But if I’m being honest, there’s still something about it that doesn’t sit right with me. I just pictured something more, oh I don’t know, picturesque for myself?

Becca: Oh, c’mon. It’s not that bad.

Anna: (Scoffs) That bad? To even imagine…that that’s our story. For the rest of my life, I’d feel compelled to create charming, beautiful little lies about how he dazzled me on Tinder, swept me off my feet on Bumble. How I absolutely fell for the bare amount of information provided to me: his age, employment at J.P. Morgan, and one-liner about that exquisite Uber rating of his. Anything but the truth. I mean, what would I tell our grandchildren!? Just the thought is horrifying — the slime of revealing that we really met….(whispers) in-person.

Becca: Face it, Anna: finding good, old-fashioned love online just isn’t what it used to be. Swiping seems golden and all, it really does, but it’s time to lay that baby to rest. I know some great couples that met in-person, you’d never even guess! Who cares if you end up locking eyes in the check-out line of Whole Foods? Sometimes people click in mysterious ways!

Anna: My mother would cringe. God, I was born in the wrong decade.

Becca: Times are changing, Ann! Just accept that people don’t meet the way our parents used to.

Anna: Well, call me a rom-an-tic. Doesn’t every little girl grow up dreaming about the day she’ll meet The One? Even now, I want it to be just like my mom and dad: 11:08pm on a Wednesday; my father, returned home from the city, laying in his twin-sized childhood bed, using only his index finger and half his attention span, sliding into my dear mom’s direct messages, saying the most incredible flatteries like “Waz goin on” and “Hm, that ur brother in the second pic?”

Becca: Those were the Roaring 20s, Ann! It was different, people really didn’t — couldn’t — get outsi —

Anna: It’s not only that! It’s the chivalry, the effort! Is that too much to ask for!?

Becca: Well, in my personal exper —

Anna: — and come to think of it, the whole concept of being “in-person” is wrong….the behavior it enables! The CHOICE paralysis! When you’re out in the world you’re surrounded by people! That’s the problem if you ask me! The amount of options…it just encourages you to keep looking and looking!

Becca: (Twiddles thumbs)

Anna: In any case, I want something serious. Everyone knows that guys in real life are looking for one thing, and one thing only. They don’t want personality, humor, connection…none of it! And if you’re not a pretty face, well sorry kid, you missed your shot. It’s like, aren’t you even curious about my Top 3 Favorite TV Shows? Don’t you even care how adventurous and suspiciously bronze I look scuba diving in the Galapagos? Can you at least try to make a quip at how much you too love tacos and Sunday Funday? It’s like they don’t even want to find love. On to the next one, honey. It’s all so superficial!

Becca: (Stares at clock)

Anna: (Sobbing into hands)…….it’s just really hard to tell if he’s 5’10” or 5’11” in the flesh…..(sighs)….and now all of a sudden it’s “rude” to ask?!

Becca: Dammit, Anna! You’re too freakin’ picky!

Anna continues: (Wiping tears) Easy for you to say, you’re with Joe now.

Becca: Oh, dammit, Anna! You do know me and Joe met volunteering at the community garden, don’t you?

Anna: Really? Oh, well, good for you, Bec. I could have sworn you said Hinge instead of hedge. You seem happy, that’s good Bec. But between friends, I really think there’s a better match for you out there. You do know there’s an algorithm for that.

Ellis Adin is a writer in New York City. By day, she does business things for business people. She lives with her Chia Pet in Brooklyn.

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