I’m always surprised when I look back at a social world that I was once part of, about how I used feel strong about my reputation etc, but don’t care about it any more.
sci.math
I used to present my views about a new number which I called as ‘b’ that I proposed as a the opposite of infinity. I used to say crazy things such as b may not be equal to itself, and that some equations could be true and false at the same time etc. I used to track the discussion, feel happy when someone supports my views, and feel obliged to defend when someone trashes my writings. Now I don’t even remember the names of people whom I used to fight with.
Facebook account
Had a short stint here too. Used to feel happy with the likes I was getting and used think about what interesting stuff I should post etc. May be 8 years now since I last looked at my FB account.
Company that I worked for 8 years
Used to feel that everyone knew me and so I should safeguard my impression and reputation. Used to be very careful and feel strong about all the ongoings. Four years after leaving, visited the building recently and there is hardly anyone who knew me or the critical projects I did.
Apartment forum
I used to actively participate in the email discussions in a forum for the residential complex where I live in. Lots of heated debates, excitement, groupism, meticulously worded emails, strong feelings and so on. Moved out of that place 4 years back, and now I check those emails once in a week, may be, just to read the subject lines only.
My village
My childhood is strongly associated with my village. So I thought I belonged there. Visited there a few years back. Walked on the known streets just like I used to, when I was a child, while looking at both sides, probing into surroundings. Nope, things are not the same. Nobody knows me nor cares about me. Nor do I recognise the new houses and surroundings. A few times, an old woman or man on the street, gives me a stare, comes closer and stares again into my face. I announce who I am. Somehow my village dialect and tempo comes rushing in my tone. They smile only slightly, ask me where I live or may just get a few tears in their eyes. I inquire about their well-being, though I knew there is no such thing. And move on while they keep staring at me through their glasses. I take back with me the feelings of sorrow, alienation and helplessness. I don’t feel like going back again.
This is the village, where everyone used to gather every night in the moonlight near the temple, to play a lot before going to sleep. This is the village which had a perfect eco-system that can live on without any dependence on any towns or government. Only until all that isolation was violated. I can go on about my village. Sigh.
If I think about how I got alienated with the village, I don’t feel belonging to any other social context. Everything looks a bit silly. But then even Ozymandias tried to be social.
