Vin
Vin
Sep 2, 2018 · 3 min read

My partner and I have been together ten years, seven of which were long-distance. We haven’t cracked the code to a successful marriage, yet. But we have found a way to talk more, and argue less.

And every day brings a little more love, a little more understanding, and a bit more fun.

First, the easy stuff.

We don’t share dessert. He loves fruit. I love chocolate.

We share chores. I do the laundry. He does the groceries.

Big spoon. Little spoon. Now get to your side of the bed. Toes can touch. California Kings make everything better.

I don’t throw his stuff out behind his back. It’s mean, and I would kill him if he did it to me. But at the same time, we all know those jeans have got to go. So I nag him. Endlessly. Shamelessly. All is fair in love and war. Wardrobe choices are war.

Next, the harder stuff.

We talk about what matters to us in the long run. Finances are the easiest place to start. Family comes next. Everything else is unimportant.

Actions speak louder than words. He moved two countries in two years for my career without a blink. So he doesn’t believe that workplaces can be sexist. Sometimes, an argument needs to go on to the back burner and simmer a while longer.

We try to assume good intent. There is no conceivable reason why someone who loves you would go out of their way to hurt you.

We try to place ourselves in each other’s shoes. It stops us from expecting too much or too little. Especially when the extended family is involved.

Lastly, the hardest stuff.

We sacrifice for each other (because we want to). We are (naturally) grateful to each other. But we still struggle, and sometimes succeed in doing what’s right — to hide the first and show the second.

We try to be vulnerable. It makes us stronger. So we tell each other when we’re hurt, sad or just frustrated. Even if it’s as simple as me being hurt when I don’t get a compliment all dressed for a party, or him having to put away the dishes the fourth night in a row.

We keep ourselves honest. We don’t pull any punches. But at the same time, we stop talking when we’re mad. We speak up when we’re hurt. And we never sleep on a fight.

Pride is for idiots. Humility is a hard lesson and always a work in progress.
He is learning to say ‘sorry.’ I am learning not to say ‘I told you so.’
He is learning to speak up. I am learning to listen.

The next level. Keeping it about us — and only us.

Thanks to romance novels and social media, we can fall prey to silent pressure on what a relationship should be. Sunset cruises and Sunday brunches are great, but that is not everyday life. Married life cannot be photoshopped and made pretty always. Relationships are messy, and true love is what remains after we clean up the dirty socks and leftover food and moving boxes.

The most important lesson we learnt in our first year of living together was to define our own #relationshipgoals, and filter out all the noise.

Anniversaries are overrated. Sundays on the couch matter more. I can buy myself books and jewelry, but that middle of the night forehead kiss is my ultimate prize.

I try to watch football. He suffers through classical music. We both watch NCIS and Marvel movies. I skip the poker nights. He skips the ballet.

Vacations are important. One with family. One for just the two of us. And every now and then, one for each of us with our own friends.

At the end of the day…

I wish he’d shower more. He wishes I’d exercise more. One can’t get everything in life. So on some days, we’ve learned to just suck it up.

We annoy the shit out of each other. But at the end of the day, abiding love and mutual respect make it a battle worth fighting. We’ve developed a partnership that makes each day worth waking up to.

Happy endings are for those who try every day and never give up ;)

Vin

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Vin

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