I’m Sorry I’ve Disappointed You, Mom and Dad.

I think there’s a reason why boys and girls from my generation and the generations after aren’t considered efficient. It’s because we are not. We don’t know how to do things in a proper manner even when we’ve gained maturity: We would either spend too much and save too little, or save too much and spend too little. There’s no balance between these two. Similarly, we may go overboard with our demands without even realizing what our parents can or cannot afford. We don’t give a rat’s ass about it. Some of us live a life without even understanding what our parents have sacrificed to make us who we are. We are supposed to become a better version of what a person really is, but we work in ways which suggest that we’ll rather be worse.

I have been sad for a while now, not because I haven’t been able to handle my own shit. Yes, the second half of that sentence is true because I care too much about saving and can’t get myself to spend a little more on a little better life. But the actual reason I am sad is that every time I get into a problem I try to find help. It’s pathetic; me not being able to handle the situation in a suitable manner. Not-so-surprisingly, the only help I find convenient for myself are my parents. I’ve troubled them so many times now, I realize it too but for some reason I can’t dodge this feeling and understand that instead of giving myself some time and thinking about the next move, I call for ‘reinforcements’ even before there’s actual danger looming.

I’m a disappointment because they are the ones who’ve never said no to anything I asked for, but the things they’ve asked for, I’ve found them too hard to fulfill. What more can any parent ask for from a child than getting a good job and living on his own, enjoying his life as he wishes?

I did get a good job, but only through their help. I did find a place to live, but couldn’t survive well even there. Now, I’m once again searching for a place, and I have once again asked for their help in the form of advice and some inputs if possible.

I don’t know why I do this over and over again. I’m under-confident I guess. Or may be, I don’t try to interpret the ways of this world we all live in. Whatever be the case, I feel like a burden on them, and in the past four months of me living in a different city with a job in hand, I haven’t been able to give them what they deserve the most. Love.

The sadness inside of me leaves me expressionless not just for my parents but for anyone else too. It seems as if the entire concept of feeling for someone is stupid. I know that theory doesn’t stand a chance for my parents, but the generality of it all makes it hard for me to say that I love my parents. If only I could express it through actions and not words alone, things would be so much better. You see that? Helplessness again.

There may be many like me who haven’t lived a difficult life and yet feel weak and puny. And most of them, belong to my generation. I’ve seen people my age always asking for monetary and emotional support from parents all because they can’t handle work anymore. Or may be they’re facing tough times in other relationships.

Our parents’ generation was one that never feared any situation, no matter how severe it was. I’m astonished by the kind of responses I receive from our elders when I ask them about their life experiences: They were simple people with a bold personality. They would do things their own way taking care of all consequences as well as remembering the kind of future they need for themselves. Some of them have been able to convert their dreams into reality, and many of them haven’t. But they’ve never stopped hoping. And that’s what is different between us and them. Our hopes are too short-lived, theirs isn’t. Somehow they can find the greatest of happiness in the smallest of moments; we find that only when something extravagant happens and it’s recognized by more and more people.

I’m apologetic for the kind of son I have been. From now on, I feel like doing something every day that can make it a delight for my parents. They’re the ones who’ve lived for us for so long. They’re the ones who’ve been fearless not only for themselves but for their children as well. Now’s the time I start living for them too.