My Little Star

Have you did something awful in the past that left you feeling sinful the rest of your life and make you feel like you live in hell ever since?

I had.

And I never told anyone about it except the people involved in it. I live in guilt for years, and I just want to leave this world peacefully, no secret carried to the grave.

I killed my infant son.

It was 2007. I was foolish. I was dumb. Being in an on-again, off-again relationship with someone was really exhausting. I had 2 abortions before, but it didn’t stop me from graduated on time, grade’s great, almost cum laude, I could balance school and life.

So it was a makeup sex after a worse fight between us. No rubber involved. Several weeks later we had another worse fight and called it quit. I moved on and so did he. He then dated the third person in our relationship (that what made us fight ever since they met for the first time), and I met another guy. My love life went a bit sour after it, but I wasn’t too concern with it because I was preparing for an internship in an international NGO.

That’s when I realized I missed my period.

I bought a testpack and it resulted in two red striped. I’m pregnant. I got panicked and the day after I got the test, I went to a hospital in a neighboring city, hoped no one would recognize me since I know no one in the city. The doctor told I’d been expecting for almost three months. Three months with no signs or symptoms of pregnancy. On my way back home, I called the ex-boyfriend. He didn’t answer. So I texted him hastily, told him I was pregnant and he’s the father. I’m sure about it because the last time I had sex was with him. About an hour later he called and, again, went into a fight. He refused to believe it was his, it might be another man, he said. We ran into a nasty fight over texts and calls, but in the end he admitted he was the father.

I am always a pro-choice, but the problem was, it was already too late for abortion. It was three months along. The ex-boyfriend begged me to change my mind. He confessed he was actually happy to hear the news. He hoped it can saved him from his boring relationship with her girlfriend and he was eager to marry me whatever toll it takes. But I refused. I no longer loved him, why would I ruin my life by marred him and trapped with him and the baby I didn’t want for a long period of time(if not the rest of my life)?

Time goes by, the time for internship is getting close, and I was still pregnant. People began to notice my bulging tummy because I was very skinny at that time. Though I had a very tiring and exhausting activities concerning the internship, the pregnancy went unexpectedly strong and well. That’s when I decide to take an extreme way that could risk my life. I pushed the ex-boyfriend to find an abortion clinic as soon as possible. He hesitated for a while, because he still opted for his choice to marry me and raise the baby together. After another argument he finally said he knew where to go. It was in another city. We went there, he paid for it. The midwife (she’s an illegal midwife, at first she didn’t want to do it because it was already five months. But after I handed her the money she agreed) ripped my womb and cut the umbilical cord. Soon after we left her house, less than five minutes, the water broke and gushed from my womb, leaked my pants and went down the street as I walked to his car. I arrived home feeling a bit pain all over my body and tired. I went to sleep early and turned my phone off.

The next day, early in the morning, my tummy suddenly ached badly. It was so painful I can barely walk. Mum and dad went to work, my sisters went to school, there are literally no one at home with me. We had no housemaid at that time. The pain was getting worse and worse, I tried to find any painkiller in medical box but failed to even reach the drawer. At one moment I felt something came out from my vagina and my heart beated faster. It’s the time, I told myself. I went to bathroom and I can see a little baby feet down there. I took it out, and there he was. My baby. Male. Tall. Covered in blood. Cried weakly. Barely hear any voice.

I cried. At that point I realized I loved my baby. I got dilemma and many thought crossed my mind while my hands are still holding him. His tiny hands kept moving while he cried. I felt an urge to take him to hospital and get him a medical help, to get him alive and grew normally. But what about my life? What should I tell my parents and sisters? Should I marry the father? How about the internship? What will happen to my life if I kept him with me? Who will feed him?

After several minutes, I decide to cover the baby’s mouth and nose with my fingers. I couldn’t stop crying when I did it. I whispered ‘I’m sorry’ repeatedly, until his body stopped moving and he stopped crying. I broke down and howled. I’m a killer. I’m a worse mother. I’m damned. I stared at him, he’s so cute. Stayed in bathroom like about half of an hour to cry, then covered him with towel and cleaned up the mess. I took him to my room and then I called the ex-boyfriend. Told him everything. He rushed to my home and arrived about one hour later. I showed him the lifeless baby. We buried him somewhere. He still insisted to marry me, and I still insisted to stay away from him. He was a toxic to me.

After these years I can still remember it clearly like it’s just happened yesterday. I live with guilt. I still struggle to have a steady relationship. I backed down every time a man intended to go in a serious relationship with me. I don’t know how to tell him about it, and even if I have guts to tell him I can’t predict his reaction, will he stay or will he leave. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen, it’s part of my life my partner/spouse need to know about. I wake up everyday feeling sorry for myself and beg forgiveness from my baby. I have no idea will he ever heard my words, but I know God works in mysterious ways and He will told my baby how I feel a deep remorse. I realized maybe it’s a life sentence, spending the rest of my life feeling guilty and lonely and missing my baby. My son.

My little star.

Aldebaran Shabira Rasheed.

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