Highway 42
Jungle Fever
I did not even think to check who it was before I opened the door. It was one of those moments so unexpected that neither of us spoke wondering what would be proper to say and who should say it first. I tilted my head and raised my eyebrow in a manner indicating that I was waiting for her to explain why she was knocking at my door. In that small amount of time I did notice some bemusement about her. In the next moment right before she was to say anything I noticed a beauty about her as well. If I were Paris I would fight a war for it too, I see that now. It was indecent what I was thinking at this point but I promise no one would blame me for it.
“I know you don’t know me and this is so awkward but…” I could not gather where she was going with this. I had thoughts, depraved thoughts that only men have but it was not completely my fault, the onus was on her just as well was it not? It was almost dawn, an ungodly hour and a woman such as her shows up at my door — could someone write a better college script than this?
“I saw you tonight.” She mumbled. “I heard what you and your friends said, I listened to it all and I wish I hadn’t because I can’t stop what’s happening to me. All of it is just stuck in my head. And it was like, if anyone knew anything about what was happening to me it would be you or your friends but I just thought…” I put my head down just a little bit. She laughed to relieve the tension. Yes, I was hoping for something other than this at such an hour.
“Well you can come in, no use having this conversation out in the hall.” To send her away would be contrary to so much of what I believed in. Her hair was an autumn red while her eyes were a gray-blue but not as cold as they looked, not at all. Her face kept them warm. If I had to place a wager I would say she was the descendant of some Celtic royalty. And for a dame of Anglo-Saxon ancestry she was surely blessed with aesthetically pleasing traits such that one may lose focus when speaking to her. I do swear, the curves on this girl matched Highway 42 in Northport, Wisconsin. Once I had thought such attributes uncommon for white women.
“So, what’s your name?” I asked laughingly. We sat down at the coffee table. Her eyes were wandering around the apartment. “And can I make you some tea, do you want something to drink? I have…” I wish I had some beer to offer her, I wanted to give off the appeal of a real college student, “…water, minute maid citrus punch, some red wine and…” Real talk, I did not have the latter and I only mentioned it as sort of a joke.
“I’ll have the red wine please and thank.” Of course she would. The very thing I meant to only joke about is what she wanted.
“Oh, look at that, I just ran out,” I mocked. She laughed knowing I never had any wine to offer her in the first place. She was still looking around. It seemed as though she was trying to get a feel for the place. I could not readily put my finger on how I think she felt about it. As I have said once before, my business was to know the character of men. I delve deep into them without their knowledge and usually at first making their acquaintance gather much of everything I need to know about an individual.
“My name’s Auburn O’Connor by the way.”
“I’m Hails…” I said while waiving my hand though we had technically already met at the door.
“I know…” I smiled at her because she was smiling at me.
“Where are you from? What school are you in?” These are the things we Cornellians asked one another whenever we met for the first time.
“I’m a grad student in the Johnson School of Management. I did my undergrad at Indiana University.” My interest had peaked now as she could probably tell by the abruptness of the question that followed.
“The Bloomington campus?” I said quickly and with much intrigue. She was smiling with curiosity all over her face.
“Yea, but why do you know that? You’re probably a basketball fan?” She asked nonchalantly.
“Not even, they’re terrible.” We laughed, “but my fraternity was founded there so that’s the only reason why I seem so interested.”
“Oh yea, Kappa Alpha Psi? The ones who twirl those candy canes?” Whatever was happening right now, I did not care whether it was good or bad but I welcomed it.
“Yea, that’s crazy that you know that.” It was odd to be so happy about this little exchange of ours.
“What’s really crazy Hails is that your apartment looks like a page out of a preppy magazine. Like, who are you really? Sir F.E. Castleberry would be so proud.” I could not stop laughing. She was picking me a part in prime fashion. I was adorning her. She had not stopped to be anything less than staggering since I set eyes upon her at the door. But the thought kept coming to me as to why she was here and what she wanted from me. She still had a smile on as she thought about how to say what she knew I wanted to hear.
“You go on unabashedly prep too?” I said excitedly. I was happy she appreciated a good soul such as Sir Castleberry for what he was — a style aficionado.
“I have known all along. I think it was always in me, this thing that I suppressed and that tonight overwhelms me. I was playing pretend like a child but I am no child, none of us are. We know much better. But I don’t want to see, everything is still so blurry. Aren’t I supposed to be thoughtless and have mindless fun, isn’t this the best of my years? I shouldn’t have to think about the things you and your friends made so clear to us today.” She was removed from indignation and just remained a person in search of the route that must be taken. She spoke flatly but the emotion was recognized through her delivery. “We want to hold the glory of being human without being human at all. You’ve pretty much said all you needed to say for one night but I, I’ve just begun and I don’t know even really know where to start. There aren’t any answers with anyone out there, they act like they don’t know anything. Even after you and your friends told us the very things we needed to hear we acted like we didn’t hear anything. But I can’t completely blame them can I? All they want is to live without accounting for what that means, to live without any responsibility. So we live just like that, like shadows of ourselves. I don’t want to fight them, I don’t think I can. But I sure as hell don’t want to be them. I think I can do that.” Auburn’s faint little smile was a sign of exhaustion. She had been thinking afresh like never before. She was struggling to maintain her sweet composure.
“Look, I don’t expect you to walk back home tonight, or this morning, however you want to put it. Can I make up the couch for you?” I asked earnestly.
“What’s wrong with your bed?” The expression I had looked like that iPhone emoji with the straight face and wide-open eyes. I had to look at her twice to really gauge how serious that comment was. Her eyes were unwavering and the smirk she gave me was a challenge at best.
“Do you want to take a shower or anything? I have some clothes you can wear to sleep.” She followed me into the bedroom and made no other concession while waiting. Her only communication was a feeble smile. I handed her the clothes and she left for the bathroom. I was excited, everything about me was standing up and it was right there that I remembered about Troilus and Cressida.
We have courage and we should use it, constrain our passion, subdue it by the use of reason. It is this that keeps a man out of trouble. Times like these make or break men, we all know it. Once overcome, that hardness, what have you but a solid man who stood his ground. This is how you rout temptation and tame the flesh — with the mind. See now, if I were to denounce the mind I would be no better than the men I would not ever dare to be like. However, I find that my mind sometimes denounces me and who am I to keep hold of something which I do not even control. But I will not act as though I cannot see why men give in to their desires. There is more to me than just the mind and the heart. It is as if once a thought such as the ones I have begin brewing it renders the mind helpless. The harder you try not to think about it, the more you do the very thing you wish not to do. The pull of this thought is hardly contestable and then your body follows suit like a willing conspirator. This collusion is formidable to say the least. Although gradual, the process is exact and deadly. Soon, you enter the region which nothing can escape and once beyond this event horizon there is no light at the end of the tunnel. What better thing to do than to give in to the inevitable then? But again what kind of man do you become when you overcome all odds, when you defy the laws of general relativity and refuse her and what she has to offer you? So to that end, I will retain my honor and dignity, she cannot have it. And then the beautiful damsel walked out the bathroom and into my bedroom but without the pants I gave her. My first thought was to renege on my honor. I second-guessed everything I just thought about honor and dignity. My manhood was at attention.
When I walked out of the shower she paid me no mind at all. Her back was facing me and she was on my Mac, presumably on facebook.
“I just wanted to check what people were saying about that whole thing tonight on facebook because twitter has been buzzing.” She said this without looking my way. It truly slipped my mind that there was this whole other world. I was not going to ask about it either, I was never the one for it.
“Yea, no problem go ahead. Can you just go to my iTunes and play my bedtime playlist?” She looked at me and laughed a great deal.
“A bedtime playlist? You’re like openly a loser or something.” She said laughingly. She looked at the playlist after she opened iTunes. “Stand by Me, Wonderwall, I Believe I Can Fly, Dirty Diana, Ex-Factor, Someone Like You…” She listed them off then looked at me and I kind of looked away so as to avoid her eye contact. I have no clue why I was embarrassed, I loved those songs.
“You don’t have to play it. I just listen to music sometimes while I’m reading right before bed or something.” She gave me an adoring look and played the list.
“Don’t you want to know what everyone’s been saying about tonight? Every status is about you, your friends or that kid who jumped off the bridge, you’re like famous.” I did not want to know. It was not as if they accepted much of anything we said.
“They couldn’t even see me it was so dark.” I intended for the pun. She looked at me and laughed then she looked away but quickly did a double take looking at me again. I was clueless as to why she was staring. At first I thought she got a look at my body and finally realized she did not want to play this game but I completely forgot about the brand on my shoulder which caught her attention.
“What is that on your arm?” It was an incredulous question without reproach. She was completely curious like a child who has never seen someone before and looks at them for the first time.
“Oh this? It’s a brand.” I put my hand over it and then looked at it and looked at her and she was still confused.
“Why did you do that?” I think she was more intrigued than she was afraid.
“It’s a diamond with a “K” in it. It’s pretty much like branding a cow, at least I’d imagine the process isn’t much different. We use a branding iron and they blow torch it until the metal turns a kind of orange and they lay it on you. The pain is unforgivable but doesn’t last forever. The worst part is really the healing afterwards. It usually doesn’t protrude like mine but when my skin heals it keloids. It was by my choice alone that I had them do this.” I was prepared to go into detail about why I chose to do this but she did not look like she needed any explanation, not because she already knew but because it was fine with her. She turned back to the computer.
“Did it hurt? You branded a mark of your fraternity on your shoulder. That doesn’t sound like you, granted I don’t know you all that well but I get the feeling that isn’t you.” She was right, the “K” did stand for my fraternity but it stood for another greek word which meant far more to me — Kalos kagathos. Remembering what she said a bit earlier about why she was here I turned to her.
“Auburn, you were right you know? It was in you all along. I mean, where else would it be but within you, you are the paragon of animals. You hold inside of you the most precious substance known to man — the philosopher’s stone, your unconquerable soul. It represents a bond that can never be broken. You cannot alter what makes the pervasive bond that holds your soul intact but you can weaken it by dulling your spirit. This is what you have done but now you know. The force that holds your soul together when at its strongest cannot be overcame by anything or anyone. If you reach for Heaven then reach within, if you reach for love then reach within, if you reach for mankind then simply reach within. We hold the keys to the Kingdom and locks just as well. It was when I realized the fate we held for ourselves that I began to work for man. I was young then, in grade school. I hadn’t seen my dad in some time and asked my mother if he left us and she said that he hadn’t. She said that he wouldn’t come home until he has made the money we need to live off of. I remember thanking whatever gods may be for our unconquerable souls. No, men are not like angels, angels are like men. We are the better of the two for they possess not the will to do what their mind has set out to be done. Therein lies a glory greater than any treasure.” She stood up and I could not move. I know I wanted to react but I did not or I could not, whichever it was no reaction came. She came into the bed and dismissed any prolonging of the inevitable. She came right onto me and I wrapped my arms around her and we laid there as if this was what we were meant to do all along.
vv. Francs IV