How to Change Someone’s Bad Behavior

Let me tell you why a visit to the dentist changed my life.

First, I should mention that I do not have a great track record with dentists. I freak out at needles, gag when cotton chunks come near my mouth and am disgusted by every flavor of polishing paste (really, can someone disrupt the fluoride industry already?!). I’m also a terrible patient. Every year since I have had teeth, this is how my dental appointment goes:

Every Dentist I’ve ever had: Vanessa, I can tell you’re not flossing. You need to floss more. If you don’t floss you will get more cavities. Maybe an electric toothbrush will help? You have to get it into your nightly schedule. I will know the difference next time you come in. Floss or else!

And this is always my response:

Me: I know. I know. I know. I don’t want the electric toothbrush, but I will take the free floss. I’m sorry. I know.

And then I leave. And nothing changes. In a good month, I floss once per month. A few months ago, I decided to switch to a new dentist a little closer to my house. She — Dr. Vu at Wellness Dental begins my appointment with an exam. Just like normal. But then, everything changes:

Dr. Vu: Vanessa, you have beautiful teeth. I can tell you brush every day. Maybe you even floss once per month? That’s great! That’s more than the average person. I am really happy to see that.

Me: I do?! Yes, I do! I floss once per month and I always brush twice per day.

Dr. Vu: I can tell, that is wonderful and a really good set of dental habits. Now, I see you have a few very small cavities. I think that since you take care of your mouth, we might be able to fight these and definitely prevent more from coming. But we will have to fight them together.

Me: Yes! Yes, let’s fight them together! How can we do it?

Dr. Vu: Here’s what I am thinking. First, I want you to see your progress. I am going to take a picture of every single tooth (cool wand device brought out) and that way you can see exactly the worrisome areas I am talking about. Then when you come back for your next cleaning, we can take new pictures and check your progress to see how we are doing. This is what I think we can fix…

[She pulls up a picture of my tooth on the screen and shows me exactly where there is a tiny dark spot]

Me: Oh wow, I didn’t know you could see it. So you think that I can reverse the damage without drilling?

Dr. Vu: Yes definitely! Enamel can heal if you treat it right, so we are going to go on full attack — last resort is drilling. First, we get you an electric toothbrush, that will really help. Second, we up your flossing. Even once per week would be a tremendous change. I am going to give you some free boxes. Lastly, I am going to give you some prescription fluoride toothpaste.

Me: Ok, definitely I want the electric toothbrush and I think one time per week is doable, but I bet I can do more if I really focus on it.

Dr. Vu: Absolutely! I have no doubt. When you come back we will compare the pictures and see how we did! I am even going to score each tooth with a number for gum health so we can see how much the flossing is helping.

Me: Ok! I hope I can improve my score on most of them.

Dr. Vu: I know you can!

I have flossed almost every day since this first appointment. I did not have to get those two cavities filled because we repaired the damage and I improved my overall teeth scores from average to excellent. For the first time in my life, I don’t dread going to the dentist.

This experience demonstrates far more than how to encourage teeth health. It speaks to an essential part of human nature: Behavior Change.

Why We Want to Change People

We can’t help it: We love to try to fix the people in our life. We give advice to a friend. We tell a family member how they could do something better. We try to suggest, fix and change a partner for the better. Sadly, even though we mean well, changing people usually doesn’t work. In fact, it might even make the person you are trying to help angry at you.

Why are you trying to change me?

I know better!

You don’t understand, my situation is different.

Stay out of it!

Mind your own business.

Yet, we keep trying to ‘help.’

How We Keep Trying

Think of how the dentist tried to change my bad flossing habits. These are the same strategies we try with the people in our life:

Tactic #1: Helpful

As a dentist I would recommend flossing more. You know what really helped me? I have some great advice for you. I just want to help! If I were you I would just try to…

Someone in your life is doing something wrong. You think you could help them out with some advice — if only they could be more like you or do it more like you would do it, everything would be easier! So you offer advice, suggestions, send them tips, articles and books. Sometimes this works, but often it doesn’t. This person comes back to you with the same problems over and over again.

Tactic #2: Incentivizing

My mother: If you floss every night and don’t fight with me about brushing I will get you a new Hula Hoop!

Parents do this a lot with children, but we also do this with colleagues and employees. We offer a reward for behavior change. This can work in the short term, but never holds up in the long term as incentives hold less value over time.

Tactic #3: Threatening

If you don’t floss, you will get more cavities! If you don’t start saving money, we are going to have to sell the car. If you don’t lose weight, you’ll have to buy all new clothes.

Fear mongering and threatening is a typical tactic used by dentists, parents and bosses alike. But the stick is less effective than a carrot (and a carrot wasn’t that all effective in the first place, see above). Threatening only makes you the target of someone’s animosity. People who want to lose weight or eat less calories already know what’s at stake. Threats only add stress, fear and anxiety. This might work temporarily but could destroy your relationship.

Tactic #4: Pleading

Do it for me! Do it for your future kids! Think of all the money we have spent, don’t let it go to waste!

When we are really desperate for someone’s behavior to change, we plead with them. We beg them to change and point to a higher purpose — the future, money, religion, children. We hope that by tying the mission to something bigger it makes people pay attention. Typically this only makes someone feel more alone, not more inclined to change.

Tactic #5: Shaming

Your oral hygiene is below average. Your weight is disgusting. Aren’t you embarrassed by your debt problem? I would be humiliated if I were you! I would never show up late all the time, it is so rude.

Shaming is a standard tactic for behavior change — you see it a lot on weight loss reality shows for example. The problem is that shaming can work, but it has devastating consequences on someone’s self-worth and long-term health. When you shame someone into changing their behavior they work out of a negative space and attack their own sense of worth. Even if they end up changing the behavior they often have a hard time getting back their self-esteem.

Ok, so all of these tactics don’t really work in changing someone’s behavior. What does?

Want the 4 Steps that Actually Work to to Change Someone’s Behavior? Find them HERE!