Gentle Surprises

Reminders that I am a unicorn.

Being introduced to the team on the first day and suddenly realizing the lack of females. As in, none.
Hold up — I am the only person who isn’t a white male?
Woo! A female just walked into our standup.
Damn, she’s customer support.
Feeling proud upon finding that the Director of Product is female.
And ashamedly, a little surprised.
Getting a company-wide email about the wait at the mens bathroom. Because there were too many men and not enough bathroom stalls.
Having to think to myself, “Would this outfit be too distracting for my coworkers?”
And then thinking, “Why the FUCK do I need to care about how ‘distracting’ my outfit is?”
Realizing that when talking to (male) coworkers, I hunch a lot.
Because I’ve caught most of their glances lingering on my chest.
Yes I have boobs. And I feel obligated to hide them.
Feeling ashamed that I like doing front-end stuff instead of some so-called ‘heavier’ stuff like site ops.
Because I feel that I have to prove my toughness as a female engineer.
Being the only person asked ‘So are you an engineer?’, even when I’m with a group of (male) engineers.
Hearing snide remarks about ‘girls in engineering’, or jokes about ‘never dating a female engineer’.
Afraid of dressing girly, because I know they’ll judge me.
Afraid of not dressing girly, because I know they’ll judge me.
Finding it incredibly hard to strike a balance between, ‘I am an extremely competent female engineer who gives zero fucks about what you think of me’ and ‘Just because I’m a female engineer doesn’t mean I have to have a thick skin or have to be extremely self-assured.’
Realizing how stupid it is that the perception of who I am matters so much. And that I care so damn much.
Because sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’m just representing me as an engineer. It feels like I’m representing the entire female engineering body.
And it feels like if I fuck up, people would assume that females are shitty engineers. It feels like the weight of my entire gender is on my shoulders. It feels like I have to care about everything I do and everything I portray because somehow, it reflects upon my gender as a whole.
It comes down to this. I am not a number, a topic, or a check mark on your diversity sheet. I am not a point to be brought up at a dinner table, especially one that I have no seat at. I am tired of having conversations about females in engineering, and of the constant struggle against some invisible elephant in the engineering room. Computer science is the field of study that I chose to be in because I enjoy it. Yes I am female. But that should be last thing that quantifies me, not the first.