November 17th Soliloquy
The introspective pursuit of VVLTER
This is my first journey after my 24th Birthday (11–16–1992). I woke up with constraints I am facing from last year: Things I wish I had expressed deeper when or I was 23-years-old; Conversations I wish I had cleared out to rest subjects by the date of my birthday; Emotions I expected were left behind me yesterday.
Today I am convinced that:
Nobody has told, shown, or taught me of such way. As I progressed through life, I had to feel it for myself. I was brought here through agglomerated single moments and journeys, often escalated by peculiar emotional events — exceptional joys and crippling pains.
My whole life I had been a servant of your feelings and projections. My sympathetic smile has always been my best brand as I face, embrace and empathise you.
Time can tell I used to smile more. In a hypocritical and spiteful world, you took these, amongst my other genuine qualities for weaknesses. I can tell I had less genuine smiles than I do today.
This is real life now. I cannot and will no longer be your option, in no relationship that we have established or will get to establish.
Life has taught me that being selfish very often allows me to attain more than what I need. Despite the results from such selfish-ful decisions and experiences, here I go again in this emotional rollercoaster:
Being appreciated as the coolest guy you (not I) could envision vs. Self-doubt, incapacity and need for reassurance.
Selfishness has never defined my modus operandi to achieve. Rather, being selfish translated into a series of reactions to precedent events and emotions that helped me get through the day.
Today I am “Less is more”. I am not selfish, I am full of myself.
This is what you have been witnessing but could not expect or define. You can tell I have been passive aggressive: “You either with me, or against me/ Or you in my way”. I have been fighting my own worst enemy: VVLTER and his alter-egos (Valter, Walter, etc.). You may often feel ignored, forgotten; somewhat less important…
I had always strived to see you in the best position my efforts could place you, not necessarily us. I had aimed to be acknowledged and recognised, never restored. This is that part you could never envision. You were competing against your genuine emotions. Seldom did I surpass your own expectations of me and/or about us, as low as they may had been. I vow to no longer let my endeavors and self be entitled to “Never enough”.
This is bliss, not oblivion. I feel achieved. Not because I am settling for less or because my vision is far too substantial to be reached at the age of 24. But because I have precisely learn’t to enjoy every single moment as it comes and occurs, and to cautiously embrace what has yet to come. To not need more out of anything, but rather to want and desire more. To learn from and appreciate the smallest of things.
We live and we learn, we never make mistakes.
Today you think I care less, but I care more: I live within and expand my circle of influence, not that of (vs.) concern. My responsibility resides within the things that I have the power to impact, change and control. The things that could have been different were not because I did not put more effort or could not care less about making them any different. I have no single regret(s). I am not sorry.
Now I ask you: What about my grief and personal setbacks? What about my vision, values and goals? Do you ever ask me the real questions for which you or I need answers for? Can you ask me how I feel? Do you ever open the field for active listening? When did or will you compromise and/or adjust your actions and priorities due to my expectations? I cannot ascertain whether I need answers, or consensus.
I can never blame you for the past. There is no such thing as blame, good or bad luck.
Life is a series of intersected events.
This is the epiphany of the time and resources you and I employed, that in return, brought me here. And today I could not be any more or less grateful and thankful for you.
This is no longer about what brought us here, where we currently stand or where we may be going next. As inconsistent and as paradoxical as this story may be perceived to be, this is a “life/death, love/hate, pleasure/pain” self-consequent and inflicted relationship that led to the greatest joy of life: To know and love oneself. Myself.