Selling yourself on your cv is essential, but it’s important to sell yourself in such a way that you don’t come across as an absolute idiot to prospective employers.

That’s right. We said it. Despite the gasps of admonishment, we think it’s part of the service to let you know why you haven’t managed to secure an interview yet despite printing off more copies of your CV than the total circulation of the Bible, the Koran and Torah combined.

Here are 5 things that, if put on your CV will make recruiters think you have the self-awareness of a foetus before conception:

1. A personal mission statement

Just who the hell do you think you are? Nobody cares what your life plan is or where you want to be in 10 years. You want the employer to offer you a job remember — not the other way around. If you were Van Gogh, or perhaps Picasso maybe, then people would probably give two hoots about what your 12 step life plan is but the common factor with these people is that they died before they earned any money whereas you need a job right now — get the picture?

2. Using the words, ‘creative,’ ‘enthusiastic,’ or, ‘focused’

The generally appreciated logic here is that if you have to use the word, ‘creative,’ on a CV to describe yourself then the last thing you’re actually being is in any way creative. Telling the world how creative, focused and enthusiastic you are is a bit like telling the world that you’re a woman — if you have to tell people you are then you’re probably not!

3. A picture

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! As Ben Kingsley’s psychotic character in Sexy Beast said. Unless you look like Halle Berry in Cat Woman, including a picture on your CV is a bit like turning up to The Battle of The Somme armed with a water pistol. Maybe — just maybe, the enemy soldiers will be inflicted with rabies meaning your Argos Super Soaker is now a deadly weapon but it’s highly unlikely. Just don’t! Don’t put your employment chances in the hands of whether or not your future boss likes the look of someone that usually goes home empty-handed after a booze-fuelled night out at their local meat-market discotheque. I mean seriously — give yourself a chance FFS!

4. Your life story so far

It might be of interest to friends, family and/or therapists, but a future employer doesn’t need to know that you achieved your, ‘fastest tent pitcher that the scoutmaster wasn’t attracted to,’ badge when you were in the Cub Scouts. It isn’t going to get you the job. Putting your life story on your CV will make you appear a tad insane that you think anybody would give a damn. Get famous first — then people might start to be a bit interested in you.

5. Endless clever sounding quotes

Luckily for you, most of Plato’s work is now public domain but that doesn’t make it yours. There’s nothing worse than a person that tries to appear clever by regurgitating clever things that clever people have said. If anything, it’s a bit like borrowing your mate’s joke book and then telling your mate all the jokes after handing it back. Remember, ‘Talent borrows, genius steals,’ and we have absolutely no idea who originally said that!

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