Brexit letter asks for Calais to be twinned with a town in France as a symbol of continuing friendship

Theresa May’s six-page Brexit letter is said to contain the emoji for, ‘we want Calais back,’ in the bottom left-hand corner after the letters p and s.

The letter warns the EU in no uncertain terms that not doing a trade deal with Britain would be a, ‘costly mistake,’ but before negotiations proper can begin, France will have to surrender the port of Calais which has been in their possession since 1558.

The government minister in charge of Brexit trade negotiations Mr. Euan Meshouldtalk said, “The Brexiters have officially won and whilst we’ll probably end up losing Scotland and Northern Ireland to Europe, we can redress this balance by getting our hands on Calais once again. Before we discuss anything else therefore, it is imperative that we see the Union Flag on a map of the north-western French coast just like you see in the opening credits of Dad’s Army — although hopefully not moving around quite as much and most definitely devoid of any swastikas.”

Mrs. May’s letter is the closest thing to a, ‘Dear John,’ (or rather, ‘Dear Don,’) letter any UK Prime Minister has had to write since the Vikings were politely told, ‘off you f*ck!’ after The Battle of Stamford Bridge in 1066.

The note includes very clear representations on who will continue to pay the EU Netflix subscription going forward, as well as who will get to keep the David Gray and Ed Sheeran albums that are gathering dust on top of a filing cabinet in the EU parliament building.

The Article 50 note also calls for an implementation period so that both parties can adjust to the onset of Brexit in a smooth and orderly way, but German Chancellor Angela Merkel has already stated that the EU will be seeking custody of the number 10 Downing Street cat, ‘Larry,’ as a makeweight in any eventual deal.

“The UK will be happy to begin formal negotiations as soon as France surrenders……………Calais! — I meant to say, ‘surrenders Calais,’ sorry. However, given the fact that they have been in possession of a key British strategic port since the middle ages, we would also expect a few bottles of Champagne and Olivier Giroud’s hair stylist to cover any interest that has accrued since then,” Mr. Meshouldtalk added.

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