Irn Bru — contains less sugar than salt does these days

Outrage has swept across Scotland as AG Barr announced the amount of sugar in its Irn Bru brand will be halved ahead of a government crackdown on fizzy drinks.

The number one cure for hangovers north of the border will have its sugar content reduced from 10g per 100ml to just below 5g making it useful for nothing more than frightening vampires and cleaning wounds after complex surgical procedures according to regular drinkers of the stuff.

Irn Bru’s Head of Sugar Tax avoidance Mrs. Sue Crows said, “Irn Bru will still taste the same, the only difference now is that when you wake up in the morning after a night out on the lash you’ll have to add your own sugar to bring it up to the levels required for curing a hangover. We understand this is a bit like having to supply your own tyres and hubcaps if you purchase a 12-wheeled artic lorry, but don’t tell us about it, tell that twat Jamie Oliver.”

The UK government is introducing a two-tier levy on sugary drinks in April 2018, one for soft drinks with more than 5g of sugar per 100ml and a higher one for drinks with more than 8g per 100ml — hence the reason why Irn Bru will now contain less of a kick than holy water that has just been blessed by a Buddhist Monk undergoing colonic irrigation.

Sales of Buckfast and Scotch Whisky are set to increase considerably in the coming months as hardened highland drinkers seek alternative remedies for thwarting their hangovers — the, ‘if you can’t beat it, get smashed again at breakfast,’ approach proving by far the most popular.

“86% of consumers are concerned about the amount of sugar in the food and drink they consume which means that 14% don’t give a fuck. Given the fact Scotland makes up only 8.3% of the UK population, it means we represent 68.67% of the don’t give a f*cks which is enough to justify another referendum on leaving the UK,” Mrs. Crows added.

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