POUNDLAND TO BE RENAMED, ‘YOU’LL STILL GET CHANGE FROM A £2 COIN-LAND.’
Poundland will be renamed, ‘you’ll still get change from a £2 coin-land,’ in a bid to better reflect the prices on offer in its stores.
The latest introduction of clothing into Poundland is part of a broader strategy to sell items that are priced at more than £1 and there are fears that customers who have been foraging down the backs of sofas for enough coppers to buy a 5 pack of roast lamb and mint Brannigan’s crisps, may find they don’t lose anywhere near enough money to afford to shop there anymore.
Poundland’s Head of Pricing Strategy Mr. Isaiah Pryce said, “To be honest with you I used to have the easiest job in the world at one point. Whether we were selling Fray Bentos tinned pies, 3 packs of baked beans or 40 packs of black bin liners, all I’d have to do is take a quick look at the products on a forklift crate at the warehouse, pretend to look at my clipboard that I carry around to look busy, scratch my chin a bit and then say, ‘I think these should be a pound.’ Now I’ve actually got to try and work out margins and stuff. I always thought a margin was something you drew in a school exercise book to prove to the teacher that you know how to use a ruler.”
Some of the names that were initially proposed to reflect Poundland’s foray into the plus £1 pricing category are as follows:
- ‘fookin’ ‘ell — how much?’
- ‘It’s not our fault, blame Brexit!’
- ‘Sound as a pound plus a bit of extra shrapnel.’
- ‘We never pay this much up in Huddersfield!’
Poundland has said that the alternative to repricing some of their goods is to introduce so-called “shrinkflation,” where prices are held whilst products drop in size — but this can have disastrous effects in the lingerie department if somebody that’s usually a 34 DD has to try and fit into a bra that’s small enough to fit an 8 year old boy.
“We’re changing our name to, ‘you’ll still get change from a £2 coin-land,’ because in most cases it’s true. In two years time after Brexit however, we’ll probably end up being called something like, ‘we only accept Zimbabwean dollars because they’re worth more-land,’” Mr. Pryce added.
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