Time Dilation — when the Mrs. says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes

Leading scientists have expressed concern that Aldi checkout staff may be causing time dilation due to their super speedy item scanning skills.

A recent physics research paper said the discount supermarket’s ultra-fast checkout staff may be causing small ruptures in the fabric of space time as the rate at which they are able to scan items at the till gets ever closer to the speed of light.

Aldi’s Head of General Relativity Mr. Tim E. Warp said, “We train our staff to achieve scanning speeds that are over 40% quicker than our main supermarket rivals but this does unfortunately come at a cost. We employed one young lady straight out of school at our Sutton Coldfield store and she was so fast at scanning items that by the time she’d handed her first customer a receipt she’d aged over 30 years — we had to buy her a retirement present at the end of her first day.”

The use of near lightspeed item scanning is part of Aldi’s plan to be as efficient as possible — and this, the budget shop claims, helps to keep costs low for shoppers, but can be a total nightmare when staff get taken on that are any older than 25 years of age for obvious reasons.

Time dilation occurs when the passage of time for one person moves at a rate that is different to that experienced by someone else and tends to occur in a minor form when you’re sat in the dentist’s waiting room and the only reading material on offer is a 6 week old dog-eared copy of Bella magazine.

“The speed of light is 186,282 miles per second so in theory our staff should be able to improve on their current rate of scanning at the checkout. The problem arises however when the customer checks the best before and notices that their Haddock fishcakes went past their sell by date over 27 years ago even though they were only delivered by the wholesalers this morning,” Mr. Warp added.

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