Adidas — creating the perfect environment for knitted sweater sales

Adidas has been testing a new store concept where shoppers can sit down and have a cup of tea, listen to stories about the war and leave with their own knitted sweater and a packet of Werther’s Originals.

It hopes the drive will help it adjust better to fickle fashion trends by ignoring modern fashion altogether — thus allowing it to sell more products at full price as it seeks to meet a new goal of bringing its operating profit margin closer to rival Nike’s by 2020.

Adidas’ Head of Assisted Living Mr. Arthur Ritis said, “At our new pop up store in Berlin, shoppers can have a new sweater knitted for them within a couple of hours. You’ll first of all enter a small room containing a chair with an antimacassar on the headrest and a coffee table that has a copy of the Daily Mail on top of it next to a doily. You’ll then be forced to watch three back-to-back episodes of Last of the Summer Wine before having to listen to a rant about the immorality of interracial relationships. Your knitted sweater should be ready for you just as an argument begins about whether homosexuals should be legally allowed to adopt children.”

The “Knit for You” store concept is part of a research project supported by the German government in cooperation with academics and industrial partners. An assistant at the store said it had so far sold up to 10 sweaters although none of them fitted properly and most had an embarrassing bunny rabbit motif on the back but hey — that’s grandparents for you.

Adidas has said that instead of trying to give consumers what they want, where they want it and when they want it, the company can decrease risk by getting the products hand knitted by grandparents to force shoppers into buying products they’ll never actually wear willingly.

“The new concept store is very unique. There’s lots of black and white framed photos on the mantlepiece, a stair lift and a pair of false teeth in a glass of water by the bed. By the time customers receive their knitted sweater they’ll feel just like they’ve spent the afternoon at their nan’s house,” Mr. Ritis added.

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